Firstly, I realized today my fingers are fat. 6 months after Stephen and I met he gave me a "let's see where this goes and junk" ring (aka Promise ring) it was a size 3.45. Yes my fingers were TINY!!!! There is no way I am ever getting that ring back on any of my fingers. Fast forward two pregnancies...when we went to get my wedding ring we sized it at 5.5. I figured since I had lost some of Jacob's baby weight my fingers would be a bit smaller so today I bought a ring (see below for description) and it was a size 5....let's just say my fingers aren't what they use to be. They are still too fat for a size 5. I'll have to figure something else out.
We went out birthday shopping for me today. This was something I actually looked forward too, yes me, having emotions! It felt so surreal. Anyways, I was super excited to finally go to the natural store to get makeup (I have been eying it for months) so we walk in and I head right there only to realize, it's all gone! So I asked the cashier and she said they are re-modeling and it will be back next weekend...bummer right? Not really, I get to look forward to going our next Saturday again and getting a few more goodies. Plus it also gave me more time at the Christian book store. Stephen said I had to buy a new CD for the car because the one I play all the time was getting annoying...so I bought 3. Now he can't get annoyed for a while and I get to enjoy some awesome music while I'm in the car or at home. We also bought some books on believing during hard times, a few books about being a stronger couple, some self work books and of course I never leave that store without a kids book. Th reason I bought the kid's book I did is because the bears name in it is little cub (one of our nicknames for Jacob) so I had to get it. I also bought a onesie that says "I roll with Jesus" with a picture of a stroller on it to go along with the one I got awhile ago that says "Fruit of the Womb" with little fruits on it. All and all I'd say it was still a successful day of shopping even though we only hit one store and now I get to look forward to next Saturday to go back out and get a few more little things.
After we got home I decided to go for a walk since this nice spring day was just simply too beautiful to ignore. I know it's not really spring but I think mother nature forgot. I can't get over this amazing weather we are having. I would LOVE all winters to be like this, though now I am seeing global warming issues a bit more and I can't help but wonder what this weather is doing for the animals, especially those that hibernate. I ended up walking to the store to pick up some groceries to make goodies for tomorrows Super Bowl Party. We're heading over to some friends (Anna Banana's House) and I never go anywhere without bringing food along. I couldn't decide what to make so I made a cheeseball, a chocolate chip cheesecake ball and Reuben dip to go along with all the other stuff that will be there tomorrow. I ate super healthy and exercised a lot today so I can go crazy tomorrow and stuff my face full of good food and enjoy my time. I, again, am a bit excited, I feel excited, I look forward to going....maybe it is because we are going over to our friend's who also know what loss is like so I don't feel as alone, maybe it's because I'll get some more Anna snuggles in, I think being around people who get it is very comforting to me. I do believe if Anna was a boy I would have a lot harder time being around him, but she's not and I get to spend some time with wonderful people that mean so much to us and that we truly love! People we only met a mere year ago but have become such an important part of our lives (and others are included they just won't be here) I can't believe it has been a year since we met these people....we have learned so much, cried so much, loved so much, cared so much, supported so much and have been through so much with each other. I can't imagine not having these people in my life. I am truly thankful for all of them!
I just realized I never described the ring, it's sterling silver and if you hold it one way it says Spirit and if you hold it another it says Angels (obviously got it for the Angels side) and there are two saying inscribed on the inside. Keep on filling me with your spirit and (the reason I got it) He shall guard me with His angels. The reason I got it is because I go feel I am protected by angels, my angels. I now have to loose some more weight so it will fit and I guess to be healthy too. 1 month before I want to have lost all of Jacob's weight. 7 more lbs to go......then our 6 month checkup.
Ever since I started the medication I haven't cried. I don't think that's necessarily a good thing, after what I've been through one would expect me to cry. However, on Monday while I was at the doctors he asked me something and it actually provoked an emotional response. He asked me what I thought the root of my anxiety was, whether it be the grief over the boys or something else. I thought for a minute and responded with the boys and my self esteem. Having lost both boys has really done a number to my self esteem and he asked me to go into detail a bit more and tears started welling up in my eyes. It made me realize that I think the underlying problem of my anxiety (not my grief or sadness, that's obviously the boys) but my anxiety is my self esteem. Not only was that a break through for me but I actually felt emotion while being on the medicine. I stopped the next day but have since gone back on. I was off for 3 days (I was on the lowest possible dose so they said I should notice in a day or two) and during those 3 days I struggled. I felt so many emotions, so overwhelmed and so anxious. I decided it was best for me to go back on the meds until I get some more counseling. Having said that, I took them yesterday and today and I don't feel anxious but I have been able to feel other emotions. Maybe after 6 weeks my body was really starting to adjust to the meds so I'll stick with them a bit longer. I can't afford to freak out now, I can't afford for me to not be able to loose weight and I really think once my thyroid settles it may help some of the side effects.
I don't know about anyone else but reading these blogs sometimes gives me slight ADHD. I am ALL over the place but there is so much on my mind and now that I have a moment to realize it all.....I need to get it out! Speaking of out...we are heading out to get the frogs more water to upgrade them top a fancy penthouse instead of the small bachelor apartment. They are getting upgraded to so much more space they won't know what to do with themselves...I just hope it's not getting stuck on the filter. Plus we still have to clean the church...which means STARBUCKS treat...mmmmm....when we clean the church we always treat ourselves to Starbucks. Lately I have been getting the Shaken Iced Tazo Tea - Passion flavour (which is the tea I like hot too) and a marshmallow dream bar, given what I will be consuming tomorrow I will skip the dream bar this once.
Oh...did I mention Stephen fell down the stairs last week and hurt his arm pretty bad? God, do you hear that! We need a new place to live, please provide us with one. We've been patient for over a year...we should be rewarded for our patience. Did you read my list of 65 reasons why we need to move? There all valid points God.....just saying.