_Life has been a bit quiet lately but that is never a bad thing on the grief journey. There are two big things Stephen and I are anxiously waiting to hear about and two big things we have been praying for but all is still. We have not heard back from either so we are still stuck in limbo. We just sit and wait now.....and pray our hearts out.
We got the call this morning that Ty's headstone will be in and installed by next week (pictures to come) I find it quite heartbreaking that I am a bit happy at the fact that my son is getting his headstone in. But then what else do I have to look forward to in my life right now? There isn't much. It'll be nice when both are in (Jacob's should only be a few more weeks, the stone was on back order, it was in high demand) and I can plant a garden for them next Spring. I was going to put their Christmas tree up but I think I'll wait until Timmies has their Candy Cane hot chocolate out, for all of you non-Canadians that is December 1st. I know it is going to be very hard for me to see..there will be many tears the day we see his headstone, it just seems it, no pun intended, sets it in stone that his little body is there, he really is not with us. I look forward to it but at the same time I don't. I know it will be hard to see his headstone and even harder when Jacob's goes in next to him but I can't help to think how many people walk through that cemetery and will now know a little bit more about our boys.
Over the last few days I have been thinking about some more things that I am blessed with. One of them being, living in Ontario. Most of my angel mommy friends live in the US and they always talk about how expensive the medical bills are, this is for their angels, and it disgusts me that their even being charged when their child passed away. It is so wrong, so unjust and so unfair. They should NOT have to worry about medical bills on top of everything else. Can't they be given a break? Haven't they gone through enough? I am so thankful and so blessed that we did not pay a single cent for Ty or Jacob, given they'd be worth every penny we would have to pay but it has tremendously lessened a huge burden in our lives and we are so thankful for that. Another thing I have learned from my angel mommy friends, most of their potter's babies were stillborn and did not make it to full term like Jacob did. Given Jacob's case was by no means typical, in fact most call it a medical mystery. All I call it is a blessing from God that he was with us, alive, for two days. That's more then a lot of women get with their babies. It's more then we had with Ty.
I've also discovered one thing I get joy out of in life is helping other angel mommies. If I can make them smile for even a moment it warms my heart. As hard as I find it to function on a daily basis and as hard as it has been for me I always find strength and motivation in helping others with their loss. I'm on a very different journey then most of them but we all share the loss of a baby in common. I may be struggling with my own grief but I find strength in helping them. I know my life will take me in a direction where I am helping other angel moms, I don't know how yet but I trust God will lead the way. I have many ideas and am very motivated to see them come true. It may take a few years but I'm not going anywhere until there is a proper perinatal hospice and loss program at the hospital here.
I pray in a week or two I can announce our two big prayers being answered but until then we just ask you to keep us in your prayers. God knows what we need and want.