I am so in love with my daughter and it terrifies me that we are going to loose her. I don't know why it hit this morning in the shower but reality reared it's ugly appearance. To think of what is going to happen in 2 1/2 months is a hard bit to swallow. Maybe meeting with the counselors yesterday made me realize how real this is. To have to write a few different birth plans, stillbirth versus living baby makes things so much more real. How do we even begin to plan to say goodbye before we may even get the chance to say hello? How can we make sure to include everything we want, where do we begin to think of what to include? Unfortunately, we have experienced loss with our son so we have an idea of some things we want to do but if Matea is born living (which we are praying she is) that's a whole different experience for us with different emotions and different requirements. I just can't believe we'll end up burying our second child next to our first....please God let us be wrong, let her live. My heart is so full of love for her, I want to be able to love her here on earth.
I watched intervention today and it seems a lot of people who turn to drugs do so after having a stillbirth...kind of scary. I'm very thankful I had the support I did after loosing Ty and didn't even consider it at all. I know it'll be the same with Matea. But it just puts the situation into a very bright light. It demonstrates how much it can tear a person apart and some days I wonder how I made it through. It is only thanks to the grace of God, my husband, my family and friends that I made it. I hope I have as much strength and courage after loosing Matea to carry on. I do worry about that somedays, if she is born living and dies in my arms how will I react? I can't prepare for that, only time will tell. Hopefully on July 5th some more things are cleared up so we can get our minds straight. I just hope we don't go through with more uncertainty.
I sewed Matea's "girl" hospital bag today, I LOVE it. I just have to figure out how to do handles and then I'll take a pic and post it. Tomorrow I am going to work on the boys bag...just in case we need it. Once I get the technique down it shouldn't take me more then an hour or two to make the bags so hopefully I'll be able to perfect them and then sell them to help with costs. I also have to perfect Ty's blankets of comfort before I can start selling those but I have a huge bucket of material to work with for both, gives me something to do. My goal is to clean in the morning, be done by 1 then enjoy my afternoon sewing and knitting and finishing Ty's scrapbook. I need a hobby area, there's no room in here so our kitchen table is covered which makes it hard to eat at.
We took Charlie to the vet's, he has gingivitis so they gave him some anti-biotics to help with that. He's perfectly okay otherwise, he lost a pound and she said he may be scared for a few days or weeks from whatever scared him. He is not fond of his cage, it's almost impossible to get him in, not even treats can trick him. Getting up that early to take him in has made today go by so slow and it is taking forever just to be bed time. But I am glad to know he is okay for the most part. Speaking of which...time to give him his meds...then resting for the night before bed. Tomorrow...more bag making and some knitting. Some more thinking, birth planning and trying to stay sane.