This post is just an addition to all of yesterdays feelings. I have been so stressed I have been feeling so sick to my stomach. Today is day one of meds. A few things happened yesterday and today that have just pushed me above and beyond what I think I can handle. I'll start with the good.
I love church, I love being at church. I was so stressed out and anxious yesterday and was contemplating not going to church to help set up for the weekend but I pushed myself to do it. I'm so happy I did. There is something about being at St. Aidan's that no matter how bad I feel when I go in, while I am there I feel such peace. Sometimes I wish I could live there to lessen this anxiety and stress. We were there for an hour and I just felt so peaceful during the hour. Of course when we left everything came back but for one hour yesterday (I count that as a blessing) I did not feel anything but peace. I'd say that's a small miracle.
Another, we spent the evening with my best friend D. When I am with her and Stephen for once I honestly feel a sense of happiness, not joy, that will take a long time to get too but true happiness. I smile and I laugh and I'm not just faking it, I honestly feel it deep down. D is going to England in January to study law for two years, I am heartbroken she is leaving, I'm going to miss her so damn much but I know it is for the better of both of us. We have plans for great things when she comes back. She is someone I don't just consider a "friend" she is and always will be much more to us, a true member of our family. She had shared the most dark and intimate times with Stephen and I, she was there holding Jacob during his last few hours of life, she has done so much for us, raising enough money to cover the boys funeral expenses and headstones (my parents and Stephen's parents paid for Ty's funeral expenses) but she has gone above and beyond what I expected out of any friend. I love her to pieces and I'm really going to miss her. I balled the entire way home because I know how hard it is going to be and how much I am going to miss her but I am so proud of her for getting this chance and I know it is for the better for both of our futures. I also sit and think of what Stephen and I have planned for the next two years....praying God helps deliver our plans but we'll have to wait and see.
Now the bad....oh where do I begin. I can't do into much detail because I don't know who reads this and I don't want it to get back to anyone so I will generalize. Let's say I received a "political" e-mail this week, someone checking in, seeing how we were doing, wanting to know what our plans for the future were. I thought it was nice but it was needed. I responded telling them I was having a very difficult time, I am really struggling, we're really struggling and I was honest about how I felt and what I was thinking. The person's response to that e-mail was not expected. It was rather cold and heartless. I can't say what it is but I was astonished someone has that cold of a heart. It was like a punch to the stomach. I'm already down and out and then for them to do this on top of everything...wow, all I can say is wow. So of course I am even more stressed out, upset, frustrated and I'm needing a break even more. I need people to back off.
As for the other issue, again I can't say much but it has to do with me not returning to work yet and the politics of all of that. It sounds like they may not approve a longer request to be off work, it sounds like there are somethings that may be very unfair in my opinion. If I were to go back to anything right now, it would be disastrous. I just want to say to all these people, seriously, haven't we been through enough, can't we get a break? Why is life so unfair for two hardworking people who have been to hell and back in the last year, why must it keep on being crappy? Do they not understand all this added stress is just making things a lot worse. I wish there was a magical money fairy, one who would just deliver us a nice check to cover expenses for two years, we don't ask for much but we do need a break. We have so many bills piling up, faster then we can pay them off. We need time to get our heads back on, time to figure out our life and where to go, time to grieve, time to heal, time to recover, no one gets how hard it is when they just keep adding additional stressors to our life.
I have fought so hard to do this on my own but it is time, here's to day one of being on meds, it won't solve the financial aspect of grieving but hopefully it will lessen my anxiety and stress. I am sucking up my pride and giving it a try. I can't go on living when I feel so horrible and I know it will take time but with politics and bills at my door I have to do something. It's not fair by any means but that is life.