I finished my book last night but it didn't bring up anything else I already wasn't thinking. I wish I could find a book about reoccurring full term losses, I'd like to read about going through a subsequent pregnancy only to loose that one too. The sad thing is I doubt there is one because most women do not have two full term losses, I feel very alone in that aspect. I still have yet to speak to anyone with two full term losses. I can say that I am having a very hard day and for obvious reasons. 3 weeks ago Jacob was born...I wish I could go back three weeks and do it all over again. It was worth everything we did, everything went through and continue to go through.
I started to clean up and get rid of some things today (I went on a cleaning frenzy after we lost Ty as well, it is very soul cleansing to get rid of crap) but what I didn't realize was how much I would run into that would remind me of Jacob. Everything reminds me of him. We received teddy bears from the children's ceremony yesterday and yes teddy bears a lone could set me off but on the teddy bears was a picture of the new children's hospital and in that picture is the room where I stayed for a month, a whole month away from my home in Jacob's best interest. It set me off. I mentioned yesterday getting Chinese food and I had the leftovers today and that set me off because I could actually eat the bean sprouts, I mean friggin bean sprouts set me off. Your not suppose to eat them while pregnant and I was hoping I still wouldn't be able to eat them because you are also not suppose to eat them while breastfeeding....something I may never get to experience, something I wanted to do so much for both my sons. It set me off. I found a few pictures of Canada day, my belly was so big, I remember how he kicked up a storm when all the fireworks were going off, poor little guy had no clue what was going on. It set me off. I started to put away maternity clothes knowing I may never use them again, at least not for awhile. I forgot about the dress I had worn to my sister in laws wedding, the same dress I wore when we went to meet Michael Smith, a time when we thought everything was looking good for Jacob (though we didn't know at that point that he was a Jacob) I remember telling someone at the gathering (who asked when I was expecting) that our first little boy had passed away and we were 16 weeks into meeting our second baby. I had a huge smile on my face because at 16 weeks I started to feel so hopeful. Seeing the dress today brought back all of those memories...it set me off. Trying to find spaces for all the baby things AGAIN, it was hard enough the first time but now to have to do it a second time...it hurts too much to leave them out but it is almost impossible to find places to put them where I won't run into them, I constantly get assaulted by baby things, it sets me off. Going through the bags from the hospital, taking out his little leg warmers I had bought just for him, emptying his "coming home" bag and packing away everything in it. The smell of all of it, it smells like the NICU, it set me off. This one I do myself and it does set me off but it also makes me close me eyes and remember him, putting on the Baby Buriti Body Butter from the Body Shop...it's his smell. It just seems like everything today reminds me of him. I could sit and watch his videos for hours, I could look at his pictures for days, I could smell his blankets and clothes that still smell like him for years. I am very thankful I have a smell associated with him, we didn't have that with Ty but I am thankful we do with Jacob because it helps me connect, it helps me remember. Not that I need it today because everything makes me remember him.
I just miss Jacob so terribly much today, it has been such a hard day, the tears just keep falling. My heart is so completely broken, I hope it is not possible to die from a broken heart because my days on earth would be short lived. My heart is physically feeling the pain of grief, my body aches with sorrow. How do I even begin to grieve for both Ty and Jacob? That is a lot to take on at once. I am very thankful Stephen is by my side. He can get me through even the roughest of days, like today. No matter how sad I am he can always make me smile, I love him so much. Milo and Charlie also seem to sense when I am having bad days as they give extra loves and snuggles...I only wish those snuggles could be with Ty and Jacob....
I know there will come a time when I think about all of these memories and instead of crying I will smile. It took a while with Ty but after I accepted what happened I started to smile when I thought about all the pregnant memories of him, how sick he made me and how he was such an active little guy. I know there will come a point where I will think of the same things when it comes to Jacob. I have a feeling it will be a lot longer this time but I know it will eventually happen. The tears will dry up one day, once we get some answers and figure out what exactly happened.
I am ready for today to be over with. I hope I wake up tomorrow on a happier side of bed. It has been 3 weeks with no up days but I know tomorrow will not be easy. I am contemplating going to mothers group before we get Stephen's kidneys scanned (which involves going back to the dreaded hospital). I know group will be difficult, I don't think I have it in me to tell my story but on the plus side I can go and just cry and be around women who get it when all I can do is cry. Maybe it will be good, maybe it is what I need. Let some stress go before we have to go back to the hospital. Sigh.....I'm ready for an up day anytime now grief.....