Yesterday's appointment went really well, there weren't even any cells to biopsy so for the time being I am cancer free. I go back every 6 months until I have to regular paps. I was quite nervous about the colposcopy because I read it can hurt but it was just like a regular pap, in fact it was quicker and I'm so glad I finally had it done so it is over with and I don't have to worry about it anymore. On top of mother nature finally co-operating things body wise are starting to go better. Now if I can loose this jelly belly, I need to find the motivation and energy to do so.
Today has been a quiet day. I find the medicine makes me brainless even more so then not taking it. Before it was filled with the boys, setting goals and trying new things and now it's just like....there. I can't think, I have no focus, I am so disorganized, I can't remember anything, I can't concentrate....it's horrible. I have a feeling this will hinder my grieving more but I have to at least give it a try for a month and see if the side effects settle down. I surely cannot go back into the real world feeling like this, it's much worse then just dealing with my grief. I really do not like the way it makes me feel...which is nothing. I want to feel, I need to feel, pushing down all that's going on is not fixing anything it's just prolonging the inevitable. I still don't feel like getting out of bed, I'm still exhausted and un-motivated but now on top of all of that I'm like a walking zombie. When I go back in 6 weeks I'm going to tell him I don't want to be on the meds anymore. I will need some more time to appropriately learn how to deal with my grief before I go back into the real world but at least I can maybe get some sleep now and make it through the New Year and then try other things.
I attempted another Pinterest recipe tonight, orange chicken in the crock-pot. I HIGHLY recommend NOT making it! Stephen and I could only manage a few bites before the gagging started. It was like warming up OJ and pouring it over chicken...so not tasty. I'm praying the bourbon chicken for tomorrow goes a bit better. It seems I have had two good hits and two good misses on there so far....really hope tomorrow is another hit.
Other then that, can't really say what else happened today because I don't remember. These meds have shot my memory ability. I do vaguely remember walking to Metro to get some groceries....at least I think that was today. Hummm.....sure do miss my mind, even if it was full of grief at least I knew and was aware back then.