Recently I have been reading a lot of blogs by other angel loss mamas. I feel inspired to read them because most of them have or at least, most of them profess, positivity. I don't feel my blog does but I also don't feel I am at that point in my grief journey to talk about all these positive things, all these revelations, all the good, all the inspiring subjects. Right now all I know is that I want things to be okay. I understand my life will never go back to what it use to be and I'm okay with that. But I want my new life to be okay. I want good things to start happening. I want to start understanding my new way of life, what I am suppose to do, how I am suppose to be, how I can help others...I just want it to all be okay. I want it to all be okay soon. Like I said yesterday, I was being patient but it's taking too long. 18 months of confusion, anger, sadness, frustration, heartbreak, some happiness, but all of these strong emotions....I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I want an easy way out. I have to dig myself out twice now and I wasn't even nearly beginning to dig myself out after loosing Ty and now I have to dig myself out after loosing Jacob too. I have to try to make sense of two tragedies, I have to try to learn who the new me is.
I am having such a hard time connecting to the idea that I am a mother. It surely does not feel like it. Even with the stretch marks, the pictures, the c-section scar, the memories, it's so very hard to connect. It seems like it was all a bad dream...twice. It seems like it never really happened. I sit and look at their pictures, smell their hats, feel their tiny footprints but I can't connect to the fact they, Ty and Jacob, are my sons. That I have given birth twice and have two children. I don't get the joy of knowing what it feels like to be a proper mother. I haven't had that chance yet, I don't even know if it is possible. All I do know is I have this strong urge to protect and this out pouring love for my two sons, but still it doesn't feel like they are mine, that they grew within me, that I held them. All I know is that I had to say hello and goodbye at the same time. Everything that happened is such a blur, I remember going through the motions but I don't remember feeling them. How does this play a part in the new me? How do I form a new me when I am so lost and confused. Where do I begin? I mean physically I am trying to form a new me, loosing weight, eating better, getting a hair cut and if I can manage it, a night out with Stephen but I feel those are just things. They don't form me as a person, that comes from within. But my within is so disorganized I can't figure it out. I know with time It'll all come around, I mean it has to. I can't live being like this forever. I just don't know where to begin. It seems so overwhelming to even think about it. I just want things to start happening, I want it to all be okay.