So we won't be moving anytime soon it seems. Every chance we are presented with always falls through. It's exhausting. I decided I'm going to stop having hopes and dreams because in the last year all but one have been dashed. Stephen said 2012 was going to be our year but I don't see how it can, I was really hoping we would be out of here (and I'm still working on the blog as to WHY we need to be out of here and it's not petty little things either) but suffer on we must. It's like a serving of suffering every week...we never seem to get a break and it doesn't look like there will be one anytime soon either. I feel so hopeless. This last year has been hell and it just seems there is really no end in sight. We can't seem to catch a break and have anything good come our way, after all we have been through we must suffer more.
I laughed at myself earlier when Stephen and I were talking about what I was thankful for recently, with obviously never ending bad news coming our way it's really hard to see much but I did and I laughed because the things I am thankful for are so sad and yet so many people take them for granted. I am thankful my cycle started, yes it had be be kicked in with meds but it started, that is one thing down....not sure how it will go the next month or two but at least I know my body is still capable of doing its bodily duties. I am thankful the colposcopy showed there were no cancer cells to even be tested. I am thankful that as of right now I have lost 20 of the 30lbs I gained with Jacob. I only have 10 more to go to loose all Jacob's weight and 19 more to go to loose all of Ty's weight. It's not as much about loosing weight as it is to be healthy but I'm not going to lie, seeing those numbers on the scale (and 2 in one week) makes me feel okay. I don't feel much these days, these meds take away all my feelings I just exist for the reason of existing. I'm beyond exhausted, these meds are also causing me not to sleep which is horrible. I feel even less like a person then I did before. I not only lost the old me but gaining a new one is impossible. When we can't start over with newness in our lives it's hard to define what I want my future to be like. I envisioned actually being able to decorate a nursery and have the space to put up a Christmas tree next year but it looks like that hope and dream will be dashed like so many others. How can I go on and pretend everything is okay and try to piece back my life when I'm stuck in the tragedy of the past year. Had we not lost the boys we wouldn't have had to take a year off of work and we'd be able to afford a place. We'd both be working and bringing in money at good jobs. But such is the unfair life. We deal with so much more then most realize. We not only deal emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and financially but we deal with so many thing within each of those categories.
It seems we are going to be stuck in the tragedy of life for awhile longer. I'd say when we win the lottery things could start to go better for us, at least in the sense we could start over somewhere new (we don't ask for much just a roof over our head that isn't covered in mold or mouse feces), but we don't buy lottery tickets so that's kind of not going to happen as nice as it is to think about. I guess I'm looking for an easy way out, after everything we had dealt with over the last year it would be nice for something easy and good to come our way. I'm too tired to have to keep struggling through life trying to get by and it's really starting to affect my faith and my out look on life. I'm beyond exhausted and it makes doing anything really hard and the things we have planned seem nearly impossible especially since I am struggling so much and have no idea where my life is going. I'm not going to even get into the issue of God right now, let's just say I have some words and feelings for him. He likes to get our hopes us, put things in front of us only to take them away and I'm tired of it. I've dealt with enough, I feel like just giving up and stay as a recluse in my tiny unhealthy unsafe little house. It seems Stephen and I must do things for ourselves and since we have, or at least I have, no energy because it's all being consumed by grief we will have to climb even more mountains.
Sigh.....I just pray 2012 starts off with a BIG bang of good luck to keep my hope up throughout the year...Lord knows I need it.