I was going through Jacob's box of his things last night and all I could smell was that awful NICU smell, the chemicals and sick babies, the smell of death. It made me sick to my stomach. I pray I NEVER have to smell that smell again. It's a good thing I have another much better smell associated with him. It just brought me back to those two days, those two precious days we had with him. The amazing nurses we met, seeing our family and friends and how much support we had, kissing his tiny little head and holding his tiny little fingers, watching him fight so hard but continue to struggle. Stephen and I knew on May 2nd that Jacob's journey would not be an easy one, it was long with many tears but we would not change our decision, ever. Those two days we spent with him, as hard as they were to see him so helpless fighting for his life, those were two of the most cherished days we will ever have (and the one we had with Ty). It's amazing how many memories a smell can bring back. I can remember every single second we spent with him, I can see his eyes (a picture I wish we had taken) but a picture I don't think my mind will ever forget. He surely had his daddies eyes. Hearing him cry for a very brief second only once. Seeing him with his hand by his ear (where it was pretty much the entire time I was pregnant with him) Staring at him for hours on end, looking at the love we had created. We never had any of these moments with Ty and I deeply regret that but I am thankful we were given the chance with Jacob. It's hard to feel thankful for something that was so very tragic but it's a balancing act with grief. Just like balancing my grief between both of my boys so I don't feel guilty I am grieving one more then the other.
I sit here writing this as I am looking outside the window, if I wouldn't know better I would say it was no where near Christmas. The grass is green, the sun is peaking through the clouds. I have avoided all retail stores as much as possible and we are not doing any gift exchanging family get togethers this year so it is very easy to let this holiday slip by quietly like we did last year. I had the urge today to bring out our big Christmas tree, the boys have a few too many decorations from their little angel tree (if you see any angel ornaments I would love if you could send two for my boys, I decided from now on every year we will have our angel tree and decorate with only angel ornaments but there hard to find, or ones about Christmas in Heaven) but we simply have no where to put it. I can only imagine Stephens reaction to walking in the door and having the Christmas tree in the middle of the hallway, or living room. I guess it has to stay away for this year, we are limited by our space yet again. Last year I noticed that because we did not celebrate Christmas, the year seemed strangely long. When you avoid one of the biggest holidays of the year it really throws your year off but my heart is too broken to even recognize the festive commercialized holiday season. Our intentions are to go to church Sunday morning (we would regardless) and then have lunch with our youth minister lady and visit the boys to put up their snowman and take down their Christmas tree. The snowman is going to look quite silly with no snow....but hopefully it holds off until Jacob's headstone gets in (in a week or two)
I find I am still really struggling and I don't know if it's because of the time of year or because I'm dealing with double grief. The meds are still making me feel funny, I am so brainless and foggy and I really do not like it but I told my psychiatrist I would try them for 6 weeks and give them a fair chance. I haven't slept in a few weeks, last night wasn't too bad once I feel asleep so I'm thankful for that but it seems I can sit here all day and not think about a thing but the minute my head hits that pillow the worries come up. The worries about money, about bills, about work, about future children, about the house, there's so much to think about but it only comes up at night when I want to sleep. I am trying to get back on a decent sleep routine so I can get a good month or two in before I have to get up for work (given insurance thinks I'm ready to go back, not what I think personally because there is a HUGE difference) but when I can't fall asleep I sleep in later and go to bed the next night at a later time. I've tried working out, I've tried baths, I've tried tea....nothing works. The only thing I can see working is if some of my worries seem to disappear and there is no end in sight for some of them. Some of them will involve taking a huge leap of faith and starting over with a fresh mind in sight. It's scary, I'd love for things to go back to the way they were but they never will. Stephen and I are forever changed and I think our new lives should reflect that as well. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, a lot of big decisions have to be made and I don't want to make them, given our bad luck it really terrifies me they won't work out and we'll end up set back further then we already are but I simply can't go back to the way things were before, not with everything that has happened. I so baldy want to hold on to what I do know, but what I do know causes so much more stress and grief and I don't need that on top of everything else I have so I need to put one foot in front of the other and trust in myself and Stephen to work through everything else that has happened as a result of loosing both the boys. It's not fair we have to deal with all this but so is life. We know how unfair and unjust life is and we aren't going to be handed a silver platter to wipe away all our worries. We don't have that kind of luck in our lives. All we can do is pray to God, he knows what we need and he knows our worries and we can pray he helps solve some of them.
Sigh, I am ready for this year to be as over as I wanted 2010. Stephen seems to think 2012 will be our year and I hope and pray to God he is right. I can't handle anything else so I really hope good things start to come our way. We have paid our dues on tragic events in our life, we need some good, we need some sunshine, we need a break.