I have noticed recently that I have seen a lot of things in my life that come in sets of three. A few times when I have seen Blue Jays or Hawks theres been three. Most picture frames I hang go in sets of three. We are planning on getting another cat, that makes three. If we decide to try again it will be our 3rd baby…I can’t help but fear, in the pit of my stomach, that all these signs of three mean we are going to have a third loss. I wouldn’t know how else to go into a third pregnancy and expect anything but another loss. So many signs that the boys now send come in threes and it worries me a lot. Of course rationally it could also mean they are protecting their little sibling and showing me a third baby will be on it’s way but logically, in my mind, I think it means we are going to have a third loss.
We still aren't quite sure how we want to expand our family. To be honest, I am beyond terrified to be pregnant again. Well, not, not to be pregnant but to go through another 37 weeks and have to bury another baby is what I am terrified of. At the same time, I am terrified of going through another 37 weeks and having to bring a baby home. These "three"s lately have done nothing but increase that fear. I don't think I'm at that point where I can see the risk is worth the reward. I think I have a bit more time until I can feel that deep in my heart. As much as I would love to be pregnant again (hoping it's more like Jacob's pregnancy than Ty's, even if it's not I won't care) because I did love being pregnant the second time and I know I will the third time, it scared me to know all the things that could go wrong. No matter what the doctor tells us on Tuesday (we are going to see our High Risk OB to hopefully get some answers) I know that even though what happened to the boys were "flukes" does not mean another fluke will not happen. Two flukes is rare enough but who is to say we are safe from a third. Nothing in life is guaranteed.
Stephen went out with the bereaved boys tonight, I'm glad he has some guys to go out with that understand and just get it. It's pretty much impossible to get the girls out because everyone else has kids and young ones at that and it's just not feasible to get together. Though in our new group we all only have angels so getting together is a bit easier to plan, we just need to do it! That left me at home alone which, given past incidences, could be catastrophic. I decided it was a good night to watch The Rabbit Hole (cue the sarcasm, probably not a good idea to be alone and watching such a sad movie). For those of you who have never heard if it, it's about a couple who looses their young boy and the grief they go through. There were only two parts of the movie I could relate too. One of them was when her and her mother were in the basement and she asked her mom if the pain ever goes away and her mom said no....I just sat there for a while and thought, I have a life time of pain to go and yeah it may lessen at times but it will always be there. Nothing in life will ever be the same. I am forever changed, I feel like I won't ever feel happy because there will always be a sense of sadness. I know the pain will never go away, it may not always be forefront but it will always be there. Right now it is what is on my mind 24/7 and I can only pray the day comes where it isn't because it is exhausting.
The other was at the end, she asked what they do, and he explained what they would do next but it was step by step and only small goals, like a few days ahead and that's how life really is for us. It's just Stephen and I, no earthly children regulating what we do but just us. We take things one step at a time because each small step brings a slew of emotions and situations that we have to re-learn. If you haven't seen the movie and have no idea what I am talking about I apologize, it's very hard to describe. I didn't relate much else because we didn't have the boys room set up, we don't have clothes they worn, pictures they painted, fingerprints all over the doorknobs and all those memories you get with earthly children. We have 9 months of memories for both boys and all of it was while in my womb (plus Jacob's 2 1/2 says here on earth) but we don't have that so I couldn't relate to much of it. We also go to group but we love going to our group and we don't fight, not like they were in the movie. We are both more agitated these days and frustrated and it is hard to express that sometimes (more so for me) but our personalities balance each other out so well it just works for us.
I am off to try and get some sleep, I may just take a gravol to help because I will need my rest for tomorrow! Ty's 18 month angelversary (and in celebration I gave sweet potatoes another try, it went well) and Grace's memorial service....going to be an emotional day but we get to celebrate two little lives gone too soon and remember them for who they were.