There has been something a lot of people have been telling me lately and it really bothers me. Please do not say to me "you'll have your baby one day" because you know damn well you cannot guarantee that, you don't know if it really will happen. I don't even know if it will happen. To start with, Stephen and I have not decided for sure if we want to try again or not. If we decide not to then we'd adopt but even then you can't say "you'll have your baby" because even with adoption we can be left with empty arms. I wrote a blog a while back that I never posted about adoption versus trying again and I may post it one day but the main thing I got out of it was that with adoption you have all the normal risks of pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, severe disabilities, fatal diagnosis but on top of all of that you also have the mother changing her mind. It comes with the same risks as being pregnant plus more. If we decide to try again, we have all the risks of being pregnant, we could have another child that is diagnosed with a fatal disease, we could have another stillbirth, you never know. Either way, when we do decide how we want to expand our family does not mean we will ever bring a baby home. No one but God can guarantee that and with what he has given and taken so far I have a lot of doubt. I know I shouldn't have doubt but it is very hard when he has taken both of my little boys. Whose to say he wouldn't take a third? That's for him to decide and for me and him to discuss, or rather, pray my little heart out that he doesn't take a third.
All Stephen and I know is loss so yes it is on our mind that the next pregnancy would most likely end in loss because that's all we know. We don't have a healthy child at home so we do not know if it is possible to even have that. There may be something deeply rooted in our genetics that prevents us from ever giving birth to a healthy child that we can bring home, something no one but God can see. We could leave the hospital empty handed for a third time if we decide to try again. We could leave the hospital empty handed even if we tried adopting. None of you can tell us we will have a baby one day because you do not honestly know. Unless you intend on getting pregnant and handing that baby over to us, you cannot guarantee that we will have our baby one day. Please stop giving us false hope, we've already gone through it twice. And PLEASE, if we do decide to try again do not tell us "you'll be okay this time, everything will be fine, it won't happen again" because that is just plain bullshit. That's what we were told after Ty and look what happened. Instead, just pray for us, pray that God will allow us to bring a baby home. That is all you can guarantee, your prayers for us. You can't guarantee we will bring a baby home so please don't tell us we will. Just pray, even if you don't normally pray, please pray to God to allow Stephen and I to bring a child home, it is all up to him and it is what is set deep in our hearts to have.
The question for today was, on a scale of 1 - 10 how would your rate how you feel today. Zero. I'm having a very hard time still. This last week has been so tough, it was like once Ty's one year was over it all went downhill. It's worse then it was before. I get up, shower and eat and other then working out all I want to do is sit at home. I hate leaving home, it is so hard to leave the house, even when it's to go meet up with friends, even that seems impossible these days. Everything seems like an insurmountable task. Of course we have to go do laundry soon, I really wish by the grave of God we could somehow get into a house of our own with a washer and dyer. Going out to do laundry (we just sit for two hours) seems so hard to do. Everything requires energy which I have none left to spare. Grieving uses every ounce I have. Stephen and I are on completely different grieving paths this time and I don't think he realizes it. He is having a much easier time, he's accepted everything but I on the other hand, I'm having one hell of a hard time. Everything that worked for Ty is not working for Jacob. I thought I had covered all the grieving bases with Ty but I guess I was wrong. I mean, what happened to Ty and Jacob were completely different situations so I guess it's only fitting the grief would be different as well. It's only fitting that I would be having a harder time this time around since I am grieving both of them. I understand this all but it sure does not make it any more easy and knowing how to cope this time, I haven't figured it out yet. As much as helping other moms and other families makes me feel better it's hard with limited resources. But I still do get up each day, shower and eat even if it isn't until 12 or 1. I worry about the winter and seasonal depression on top of situational depression. I want to make our house as cozy and comfy to get us through the long, cold, snowy winter months. At least after winter it is spring and with spring comes new beginnings. Until then we wait in grief, praying that we have the continued strength to get out of bed each day.