Today was a day of a few more steps. I have been needing to go to Port Huron to return some things to Kohls and the hubs and I both had a hankering for Olive Garden. We have been out of London once since Jacob passed (8 months) so it was a big step to be leaving even if only for 5 hours. Stephen went for a run this morning and I got ready. I felt okay in the morning, I felt okay when he got home, I was eager to go. I felt okay until we hit Komoka. Stephen decided to get lunch at Subway so I had to drive to Port Huron. This may not seem like much to anyone else, nor would it have been for my old self (I made the 4 hour drive between BC and LO once a month for many years) but it was today. I barely drive around London anymore, it scares me too much. Getting on the highway, I haven't done that since before we lost Ty, I just do not do it so I was terrified to drive today.
Side story - In April of 2010 Stephen, my self, Ty in utero, Milo and Charlie all packed into blue Bertha and headed down to BC to visit my parents. Half way through our trip we almost died and we actually almost did die. Stephen noticed the car was starting to pull and we deduced it was not the wind. He was loosing total control of the car so before we crashed we pulled over and as we did we could see smoke coming from the back of the car, there was a small fire. Our whole back end melted together. Had he driven any further he would have lost complete control of the car and we would have run off the road and crashed. This experience has caused permanent anxiety when it comes to driving on the highway. So I just do not drive on the highway but today I had too.
I guess that step did need to be taken. I do plan on taking some girl shopping trips to the US with some baby loss mamas and I'll be the one driving. Anyways, as soon as I hit the highway the anxiety started. I got sweaty hands and my heart started to race but I kept on going. I considered asking Stephen if once he was done we could pull over and switch but I knew that would accomplish nothing. I had to drive on. We talked a lot but that didn't quell much of the anxiety, however, before I knew it we were at the border and I started to settle back down a bit until we got up to the border guard (that ALWAYS makes me a bit anxious) and on we were to lunch.
Olive garden was good, we both had soup, salad and breadsticks and Strawberry Mango Lemonade. We headed to Kohl's afterwords and normally I would have loved that but I was anxious the whole time. I just didn't really want to be there. We picked up a few things (and SHOCKER ALERT, I , Jessica Nelles....bought a dress...I know hold your breath.....) and I bought myself a mothers day present of a new yellow purse. We headed to Hobby Lobby afterwords and again, felt the anxiety. I did find a few things at Hobby Lobby for the boys though. I bought them both a shadow box for their baptism items. I was looking for some sun things for Jacob but it is very hard to find anything with a sun on it. I did get a little blue box to put his hair clippings in.
We were on our way home 3 hours after being there and I felt much better on our way home, the anxiety lessened as we got closer to home. BUT....I survived, I survived driving, I did it and came out okay. I also now have a pretty new yellow dress and a purse (my boys have made me become more girly, it's not a bad thing I guess) and more things for my boys!
Now to deal with tomorrow....just going to try to treat it like a normal day.