A lot of people always tell me they see me as a strong person. I don't see it when I look in the mirror, in fact, I see a very weak person but one that can buck up and make it through hard situations. People always ask me how I do it, I really have no other option. I don't want to live a bitter and negative life pushing away all my family and friends and being left with nothing. I still want happiness in my life and I know it does exist, even after all we have been through. I'd be lying if I said I did this by myself. I honestly do not know how I got through but I do know that God had a big hand in it. My husband had a big hand it in. Our family, friends and infant loss family had a hand in it. But the biggest thing for me, the thing I pull my strength from are two circumstances I've experienced. 1. I laboured and gave birth to a baby I knew already had passed. I knew there would only be tears from me, I knew we would be leaving the hospital empty handed. I knew there would be a funeral, I knew he would not be coming home with us. I spent 12 hours in pain, birthing a baby I knew was not alive. 2. I carried a child for 18 weeks knowing he would not come home with us. Knowing what ever preparations we made wouldn't matter. I knew there would be another funeral. I knew we would again leave empty handed and again he would not be coming home with us. But I lovingly carried him for another 18 weeks. I went through surgery to get him out, I spent countless hours awake so I could spend every moment possible with him. I pumped until I was in pain and bleeding and then pumped some more to give him every possible chance.
When people ask me how I do it, I say it's because I hurt so much because I have loved so much and I gain my strength from my boys. All my motivation and inspiration comes from my boys. Just because they are not here does not mean I can't still become a better person. I have learned so much through each pregnancy and each loss and it has truly turned me into a better person, a better parent. I do it because they fought for me and I fought back for them. I do it because I do not want their deaths to be in vain. As tragic as their deaths are, there have been many blessings that have come from them. Of course, it goes without saying, I wish it didn't come at such a cost but at least their deaths weren't in vain. Each of my boys had a purpose, had a mission, they lives may have been cut short but it doesn't mean I didn't learn anything from them because I only knew them such a short time. I truly believe they are still all around me. I can sense their presence, I see their signs. I may be the odd one out that has never had a dream about my boys or my experience but I think it's because they play such a prominent role in my awake life that I don't need to dream about them because their already so awesome in my life. I pull my strength from the last (almost) 2 years. When most people would have turned to drugs or alcohol, or stayed in bed, my boys (and God) gave me strength to live on. I will NEVER move on but I will live on. They have taught me so much in such a short time and I am so grateful to have had the chance to love them and get to know them in a very private way that mostly only a mother carrying a child could and through that I have shared them with Stephen and he has grown a strong connection to them. He gets a lot of his strength from his faith, I get a lot of my strength from him.
I do it because I know nothing in life is guaranteed and if I live to be 100, I want to look back knowing that even though there was sorrow, there were also many times filled with joy, happiness and love. I do it because to me there really is no other choice. I'm a stubborn person and I refuse to let this get the better of me. Sure it would be easy to give up and some days I do, but I go to sleep and wake up (hopefully) thinking that it's a new day and today could be the day great things happen. I've become very accustomed to finding a little blessing in everyday. Sure it is hard sometimes but every night before I go to bed I say thanks to God for the blessings of that day, for example, yesterday I thanked him for letting Stephen have safe travels and making it home to me in one piece. Everyday has a blessing and I always keep my eye open for it because it helps.
I do it because I love my boys so much and always will. They will always be apart of our family and it is only because of them that we are a family. So I get my strength from a lot of people (and God) but I pull most of my strength knowing what I mentioned about, those two circumstances I have been through that we're the hardest things I'm sure I'll ever have to go through (please God don't take that as a challenge) I know there are other bad things I could have to get through but if I can make it through burying my first two children, I know how to handle the rest.