I must start by giving a shout out and thanks to the Penney's for hosting a very nice super bowl party. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and that's not a lie. I actually had a very nice time and its' been a while since that has happened. Great food, great company and extra awesome snuggles with Anna. I forgot how incredibly peaceful and relaxing it is to sit and hold a sleeping baby. I use to love doing it while working at the day care centres and missed it so much so it was nice to be able to enjoy doing that again tonight. Also, because the Penney's are so gracious, I was able to wash some of my mini-rag quilts. They turned out awesome! If anyone who reads this tries to make one I must advise, they make A LOT of lint so make sure you clean out the lint trap half way through drying.
Tonight was a good night..not bad, not okay but actually GOOD. I can't remember the last time I had a good day or night. Tonight was a victory for me, a step forward in my healing (and I'm sure a pound up from all the good food, as I sit here and write this I am having a slice of chili pizza) I didn't have the slightest bit of anxiety about meeting new people (there was a couple there we didn't know) and they turned out to be a very nice couple. I felt comfortable somewhere else other than our house. The fact that we were with two of our stillbirth families probably helped and even though I am back on the meds I think my body is adjusting because I've still been able to feel. I would say it was a huge success for me. I am also now a fan of chili pizza.
As I sat snuggling with Anna last night I realized two things. 1. I want a baby so badly! I want to be able to sit for hours and look into the eyes of MY child, to feed MY child, to change MY child (well Stephen's child too) but I know we are not ready. 2. I am absolutely terrified to now become a parent. I have grown up taking care of children, I was a nanny, a babysitter, went through University to be a teacher and worked at two different day care centres in the infant rooms. I have much experience taking care of children. I felt so prepared when we were expecting Ty, I had experience from the past and we took parenting classes. I was ready to be a mom. However, now when I sit and think about it I am terrified. I feel I will be incompetent. After everything that has happened, I feel like I failed as a mother and twice at that. I'm worried and question my future parenting skills. I'm scared I'll mess up and do something wrong. I question my ability to actually be able to parent and it makes me wonder if I even want kids anymore. Of course I do, but there won't be much excitement, there will always be fear. I will always wonder if I am doing things right, if I am handling things well, if my child will make it through my first year as a parent. I feel like if a 15 year old can step up and do it then I surely can. I still have all those years of experience but I also now have fear. In a sense I guess all first time moms may have that the only difference is next time I'll be a third time mom with no experience. The only experience I have is loss, it's all I know and it scares me. I know it has a lot to do with the self confidence issue and I'm working on that but it is very hard. I have a long way to go on that journey. But I do count today as a small miracle that I actually had a GOOD day.