I've seen a certain message everywhere I go lately which says "Do the best you can with where you are and what you have now". I am really trying to do the best I can with where I am and what I have right at the moment but it is very challenging when there are outside factors pushing me to do above and beyond where I am and what I have right now. I think this statement can apply to objects, such as the house we live in but I also think it applies to things in life. At the same time, I'm a worrier, I always worry. I always think about the future and say if only...if only and when, when we have this and that. It is hard to live in the moment when I am not in a very happy place at the moment. It is hard to live with what I have and where I am when I want more. I think it is a good motto to live by and I will certainly aim towards working with what I have and where I am but when others expect me to do more, it's hard. It's hard to accept what I have in my life right now when I want more, I want to better the where I am and what I have. I want to be satisfied but then I'm not really doing the best I can now am I?
It just fuels the thoughts I have had lately. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what steps to take next, I keep saying it depends on Stephen but really it's also on me too. I know life is short and that any minute spent feeling unhappy, stressed out, anxious or blue are not really worth it. I always try to be positive and it is very hard most of the time, at least right now, but I try. I don't want to lead a stressful life. I want to rid my life of the stressors that are in it but that means taking some HUGE steps that Stephen and I may not financially be able to handle. I find the biggest stressor right now and it will always be one of the top ones is money. In the last year Stephen and I have worked a total of 2 1/2 months. Before we lost Ty we were both working and able to bring in a good amount of income and we adjusted our lives to that income, then we lost Ty. Ever since we lost him we have been trying to stay above the red line of debt but bills keep piling up. We both made the decision to take time off to spend every minute we had with Jacob and that was a huge hit to our finances but worth every single second. Since loosing Jacob Stephen has found a temporary job that ends in March and then, well we don't know where he will be we can only pray God gives him something. As for me, I am simply not ready to return to work. Someone said to me the other day "you went back to work 4 months after Ty, can't you do the same now?" Well, for one, its really no ones business about my return to work but I'll lay it out. 4 months after we lost Ty I was already 9 weeks pregnant with Jacob, my mind was elsewhere. As soon as we found out we were pregnant I put off grieving for Ty. We spent 9 months with Jacob knowing what was coming and after he passed away was really the first time I felt I could grieve for Ty but at the same time I now was also grieving for Jacob. So not only am I grieving the loss of one son, I'm only now dealing with the loss of my second son. After we lost Ty I was in shock and numb until we found out we were pregnant with Jacob, then I changed my focus, this time, we are not pregnant nor will we be anytime soon so this time I am dealing with a lot more on my plate then before. I can't even fathom going back to work but the thing is, even if I am not ready, we are broke and have bills that have been piling up something needs to be done. I started sewing and am hoping to sell some things but that will just lightly brush our stressors in regards to money. But that stressor will always be there. We lived comfortable before but the next two years will be hard to trudge through as we try to piece our life back together and someone what of a hurry because bills have to be paid.
The other issues with being off is Mat leave for if we try to get pregnant again. Given everything that has happened I may not qualify for Mat leave next time around so I'd be off a whole year with no pay, we can't afford that but at the same time, if anyone, I deserve to have that year with my child. After loosing two children you would think no matter what qualifications are I would be able to claim it. I have put in years of hard work, 3 solid years going into EI and then after loosing Ty I had to take time for myself. After loosing Jacob, I need time for myself but the worry about not qualifying for EI is scary. We can't afford for me to be off a year with no pay. We've barely managed this last year. It's only thanks to God that we have some how made it through.
The house is a stressor (I'm still not done the blog on why we need to move) Not knowing what the next few months will bring is a stressor. I can't do the best with where I am and what I have because it is not working but for me, I have so much on my plate there's not a whole lot I can do right now. I am trying to take it day by day and do the best I can but when so many things depend on the future, it's hard to focus, it's hard to heal and grieve when all of these things are piling up. I really wish there was a magic money fairy, or a bill passed that says for anyone who has lost a child they are entitled to a year off with pay from the government. Not only do parents take a hit with having to pay for funerals, headstones, coffins, they also pay for it emotionally, physically and financially. At a time when parents need no more stress added to their lives after the loss of a child, there is so much more that is added to the plate and it just pushes people further down, me especially. Us loosing the boys is unfair, but even more unfair is the fact that no matter how we feel we are being pushed back into life at a rather quick rate and can't handle it, at least I am having a very hard time at it. I'm really struggling and the added pressures are making it worse. I will try to take it day by day and live with what I have and where I am for me. No matter what stressors are in my life, I have to live with them and do the best I can. Here's to doing what I can with where I am and what I have......let's see how this pans out.