I think this week being Easter and leading up to Jesus being crucified is very fitting for my emotions. I have had one hell of a week, ever since Sunday I have struggled. I debated whether or not to write about it because I don't like my blogs always being so negative, but the truth is, that is where I am in my grief and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I'm tired, frustrated, angry, upset, hurt, pissed off, I'm just ready for a break. I am tired of being "strong", I'm tired of wearing the stupid fake smile. No matter how I may look, smiling, laughing or giggling, inside I am broken and falling quickly. I don't know why I am in such a funk this week. I know Saturday night I had a bad dream and was really upset and ever since then I have thought a lot about different aspects of my life that I am not happy with. I have thought about how I have been hurt by people in my life I considered friends, I thought about how angry I am that I can't just focus on my grief because the world will not stop and allow me to do so. Bills still have to be paid, I still have to return to work, I still have to fit the boys into our lives.
We have been renovating our apartment as much as we can to make it work for us and having done so I have run into all the baby things. Everyday this week I have sobbed, I have balled, the tears have not been silent this week, they have been noticed. I don't want the baby stuff to be away anymore, it shouldn't be away in the first place. I'm sick to my stomach that everything baby related has dust on it, I'm upset that I hid all the stuff, like it would make me hurt less. Nope, if anything it made me hurt more. The baby stuff is out because it should be out. It should be being used, it should be getting wiped down everyday because of the boys making messes. Our house should be filled with screams, cries and laughter from our boys, not from me missing them so much.
I feel horribly guilty that Jacob has so much more then Ty does. I feel horribly guilty that my grief for my boys is not balanced and I have not figured it out yet. I miss my boys more than anything. It has been 7 months today since we said Hi and Bye to Jacob and though it is hard, I think knowing that on the 15th of this month it will have been 18 months since doing the same with Ty. 18 months....where has the time gone? It seems so long ago, I feel so guilty for not grieving him like we did Jacob. I feel guilty that I don't have the time to focus on resolving most of my grief because it hurts too much to think about.
I've been hurt, I feel alone, I'm being left out. It seemed for awhile right after everything happened we had great support, friends and family were emailing and checking in but they've moved on, something I can't do. They all have their own lives, those with kids no longer fit because we don't have kids, we don't have that lifestyle of centering things around our kids. We don't do "kid" things together. People with kids don't ask us to do stuff because they fear it will upset us to see their kids, though that's not true, but also because things they plan involve their kids and how does a couple with no kids fit into that equation? Those with out kids don't know how to approach us, don't know what to say to us. I think people still feel they need to walk on eggshells around us but the only thing that is doing is hindering my ability to define who I am now. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't relate to being a mother, I surely am not the same Jessica I use to be and trying to figure out the new me and the identity I see myself as is hard when others seem to portray a sense of a "poor grieving mother". I know there is more to me than my grieving side but it's all new and I don't know much about it yet. I know there are things I enjoy doing, people I like being around but even in the last year, things have changed so much.
I thought I was doing so well. I was being so strong and courageous. I woke up most days with some faith and hope but over the last few days that has all disappeared. I can't say it's a horrible thing, maybe it's what my body needs. Maybe my body needs to deeply grieve my boys and I mean all out sob fest everyday for a week or so (at least that's how it has been) 7 and 15 months in and I'm worse off this week than at any moment in the past. I can only hope it's the roller-coaster ride running down a dip and maybe come next week I will be on the rise.
There is a lot of firsts coming up next week and I can only pray I find my strength before than because I don't know what will happen if it's not. Right now, if I am having a horrible day, I know most of my problems can be solved when my husband gets home. I know he is a phone call and a 15 minute drive away but next Tuesday he will be going to Toronto. I don't know how I will do. That is a great distance between us, we have never been that far away from each other, let alone by ourselves. I considered making the trek for the day but with his work there, it may not work out. I may not be able to go and I'm going to be a mess worrying about him driving to and from. I know nothing in life is guaranteed and I'm fearful of loosing someone else so important to me.
I'm so edgy and frustrated at everything, every little thing sets me off. I've been swearing up a storm and I haven't sworn in over a year. I get frustrated and throw things (at least I should be able to find a pool noodle soon and take some of my anger and frustration out on trees in the yard or something, I know the neighbours already think I'm crazy, it'll just add fuel to their fire) I can't figure things out, I couldn't put the bed together, I couldn't get the bed out of the storage closet, just little things that make me angry but at the same time I did move our entire house by myself but still, that doesn't take knowledge, it just takes muscles. I don't know what it is, I can't figure it out but this week has been horrible. I'm still doing things around the house but until I'm in a better mood I may lay off because I don't want to mess things up more. I want to be able to think things through, make sure things are set how I like them and right now all I seem to want to do is sleep.
I pray that one day soon I can start writing positive things. I pray that my life will find some true happiness. I pray that I find the strength I had for so long but seemed to have lost. Above all I pray my loved ones are protected.