My outing yesterday by myself went okay. I did have moments of panic but I dealt with them. I found going by myself I was able to get in and out much quicker then usual. I kept my head down, got what I needed to and got out quickly. So I survived....this time at least. I still had huge anxieties about the whole adventure but I stopped to see Ty before and asked him to give me strength. It was a short outing and I think that helped, plus I had a list of what I needed so I wasn't wandering around aimlessly. It's nice to know at this point I can run out and grab a few things, I'm sure this will change with time, it'll become harder.
Church went alright as well. We got in late, sat at the very back and I popped out just before service was out and sat in the car while my husband talked to our priest. Not to say I didn't break down and cry, that did happen. I was doing okay until we got to the peoples prayers. As soon as we found out we were pregnant we requested to have our baby and our family on the prayer list so it wasn't a surprise that they were going to mention it but they changed it a little bit and said our baby, Stephen and Jessica and that got me and I lost it. I couldn't hold it any longer so I sat and silently sobbed while they finished the prayers. I am positive this will happen every week when they announce us, I just know how to bring Kleenex. Once we know for sure that Matea is a Matea we are going to have them say baby Matea, Stephen, Jessica and family which will be even harder to hear but we want people to know, we need them to know, we need their support. I can't keep pushing people away, I have become so dependent I need the extra help and support and I wish I didn't feel so weak and embarrassed to ask for it. My husband and I are okay right now but I know as we get closer and right after we will need help. I may say we are okay but deep down were really not.
Today feels like am emotional day. I think going to church and taking that step was a lot. Though I must say, I think Matea loves being at church she was so active during the entire service it was so nice. She was definitely making her presence known. I am finding the more I am up and doing things the less she moves, the more I sit around and relax the more she moves, I guess that means I am out of doing chores for a while...ha ha, not really. There is so much to do, cleaning our cupboards, getting rid of a bunch of stuff, organizing what we have, setting up the new IKEA purchases we will be acquiring Wednesday, getting some more things in preparation for Matea. I am going to get her another outfit or two, just in case she surprises us and comes out a little chunker.
I'm starting to get nervous realizing we are getting even closer to meeting her. It's a frightening feeling, in one sense, I cannot wait to meet her but I know when we do meet her we will also be saying goodbye and I am nowhere ready for that. Burying two children in less then a year of each other, that's tough. I also think reality is setting in more and I realize that unless God performs a miracle we will really loose her, there's no denying that. I look forward to having belly shots in a week or two and getting to see her on the 3d/4d ultrasound in a few weeks. Just trying to enjoy every minute we have with her as it will be the only time. Speaking of which she is demanding a chocolate dipped vanilla yogurt bar so I must do what she demands and go indulge in one, just for her, nothing to do with me at all.