I don't have many words of wisdom today in regards to the sermon at church. I had a horrible night last night, I was up with constant gall bladder pain and I could not sleep so of course today I feel like a 20lb bag of rice. I'm really starting to watch what I eat and drink, I do think it is dairy related. I know it's not spicy food as I have not had any but possibly heavier food or dairy. I don't eat many fried foods so I wouldn't think it is that either. I recently switched to a lactose yogurt because non just costs too much and I've been eating a lot of it. It's Balkin style which is great on my stomach but I'm wondering if it is causing problems for my gall bladder.
On top of not feeling well, during the first reading they mentioned Jacob (which they do a bit) but what caught me off guard and made my mind wander for the rest of service, in the second reading they said Tiberius. It brought tears to my eyes and my mind was left wandering. I didn't pick up on much else after that, that I remember at least. At some point during the sermon our Rector was talking about Miracles and it got me thinking. Jacob, even though he only lived two short days, was totally a miracle. Everything that happened with him was unexplainable, he was a medical mystery no doctor could explain and he kept proving them wrong. He truly was our little miracle. To begin with, the biggest factor in this was that his kidneys did eventually end up developing. No doctor could explain that because none had heard of it before. We were told that organs just don't develop late, they just don't. Let alone not only one developed but two. That was truly a miracle. We were told he would most likely be stillborn, he wasn't. We were told her most likely would only live 5 minutes, he lived 2 1/2 days. We were told he wouldn't move a lot because of the lack of fluid, he flipped every single week. We were told I would not feel his kicks, I did. We were told that they were not sure if he would make it through the birthing process, he did. Everything they told us he proved them wrong. There is only one thing they told us that they were right about, his life on this earth would be short. He would not come home with us. He didn't and his life was short. But even so, he in every sense was truly a miracle. He is proof that God can do amazing things, even if he didn't heal him completely, he still proved most odds against him.
I have been feeling a lot of anger lately in regards to him passing. I have read so much research and all of it pretty much stated there were things that could have been done that could have saved him. Deep down in my heart I have always had a bad feeling that one doctor in particular did something purposely because Jacob wasn't suppose to live. Stephen and I both feel it but we never met with the NICU team, we couldn't. We have his medical records, we know he was sick and maybe we are looking for someone to blame (but that's not really like us) but both of us can't help but feel something was done horribly wrong. For our peace of mind we probably should have met with the NICU team but we know it will not change the past and we know that even though he was only with us 2 1/2 days he still was in every sense a miracle. He gave us hope when all else was lost, he taught us to cling to our faith and believe that miracles do happen everyday.
I always struggle with Jacob's death because through Ty's death Stephen and I really truly did learn a lot and we had tremendous blessings come through his death. I wish it didn't come at the cost that it did, but it did. Stephen and I both got it with Ty, we know we learned many great things and because of Ty we really have become quite blessed. I have come to terms with that. But with Jacob, I still do not know the lessons or many of the reasons why he had to die too. He did teach us to always have hope and faith but then it was dashed and I don't know how I feel about that. We continue to hold onto hope and faith because it's all we have. We did meet some wonderful infant loss families through him which have been a blessing but I don't see the lessons like we did with Ty. I don't feel his death had a purpose and maybe I will never understand until I meet him again. Maybe it was to show us that even miracles can make a huge different in such a little time. I just don't know and I have not come to terms with it like I have with Ty.
I've been thinking a lot the last few days about Jacob's birthday coming up and I really wish I could take the time off work but I can't. I know it will be a struggle because with Jacob, I have 2 1/2 days of memories, hundreds of photos and people who saw him and share their memories of him. I have something to remember, but the last thing I remember is putting him in the black funeral home box at the hospital and saying goodbye. I never had that with Ty. I have so much more with Jacob then I did with Ty and I think that brings out so many more emotions. I can actually sit down on the 5th and hour by hour go through what was happening from 11:19am when he was born until 7:45pm on the 7th when he finally passed surrounded by so many people that loved him (nurses included) I don't know how I will make it through, he was our little miracle and always will be and it guilts me to the core that we never had that with Ty.
It guilts me that everyone is saying congratulations and that they are so happy for us yet I can't feel that for myself. All I feel is fear and anxiety and terror. It's hard to go out and love like Christians love, to share what they have with others when I don't even sometimes love myself, when I have trouble even giving myself what I need because of the guilt. It's not like I starve myself or anything but mentally, I don't give myself what I need. I'm beyond exhausted today and my gall bladder is still in pain, not as much thankfully, but it makes it hard to get anything done. I was suppose to see a friend before she flew back out to Calgary but I just don't think I can do it today. Hearing the boys name, ontop of the pain and being tired and thinking so much about Jacob that I feel horribly guilty for not thinking about Ty has made this a rough day. I really think a nap is needed!
The one thing I do know is Jacob was in every sense, truly a miracle. No one ever said that miracles have long lives, no one ever said that miracles had an age limit or time limit. But miracles do show us faith and they give us hope to hold onto.