I have mixed feelings about this coming Sunday, I am worried because my meds haven't really been doing much that I may not be able to handle everything that is happening. It is our yearly walk for Bereaved Families, which I really want to go to, but I fear how it will make me feel. I felt so guilty for not going at Christmas in memory of the boys and out of respect I want to go on Sunday but I know there will be pregnant women there and I don't know how seeing them at an already vulnerable time for me will make me react. It's one thing to be out in public where I can get away and not think much about it, but at a time when I am already sad and vulnerable, I think it may push me over the edge....but I don't want to miss it. I guess we can go and if it is too much then just leave when I need too. However, whether we go or not we also have a SAYF meeting (St Aidan's Young Families) which we are a part of. I didn't think it would really bother me the first time we went but I was wrong. Hearing all the other young moms (I don't mean like 16, I just mean more our age) talk about their kids really got to me. What am I doing to myself this coming Sunday. Two very emotional experiences for me on any given day but back to back...I don't think I can do it. I know Stephen can attend the meeting for me and give my regards and he may very well have too. I really fear the walk may set me off.
It through me into a panic today because I realized I had to make out shirts. Last year I made a shirt that said Mommy of an Angel...well we all know I can't wear that shirt anymore so I have to make a new one. I bought one for Stephen and I and will put Mommy and Daddy of Angels with the boys names on the back. I will have to get them done tomorrow as Saturday we will be out of town (or at least we're going to try, I don't know how far I will get) and it just caught up to me today that they have to be done. I feel rather anxious about this weekend, there is a lot going on and I don't know how I will cope but I guess all I can do is get out and try and if need be, I can come home. I may have to carry around my blanket or the boys hats for comfort but I know I will need something...this anxiety is just getting tougher and I haven't learned how to deal with it yet without being thrown into a panic. I can already feel it building, it sits heavy on my heart. But I feel I have to do it for the boys and sometimes I find strength in that. We'll see how it goes. If I don't write for a few days it's because I've become comatose with grieving and need some time to recoup.