Sundays use to be my favourite day of the week. I loved Sundays, I looked forward to them but now they are just so heartbreaking. See Sunday in our household is family day. Stephen and I started this little tradition and we wanted to share it with our children. No matter how old our children are, no matter where we are, no matter how crazy life gets, Sunday will always be for family. We wanted so badly to share it with Ty and Jacob and they are still a part of it but not in the way we had planned. Our Sunday routine now involves going to church, going to Remark to get free food samples and treating ourselves to buying some nice meat for a good meal and instead of going out to the park for a picnic, or going apple picking, or for a hike with the boys, we go to the cemetery. It is not at all what we have planned when we started "family day". After we lost Ty we made going to the cemetery every Sunday part of our family day and when we found out we were expecting Jacob we prayed that we'd only have to go visit Ty at the cemetery and then go do something else as a family, never did we imagine our entire family would be buried at a cemetery. Sundays are really not the same anymore. I dread Sundays in one sense because it reminds me of where our family is. In another sense I love it because we always go to see Ty and Jacob (we go almost every day but we ALWAYS go on Sundays) But now after Sunday is Monday....I mean it's always been Monday after Sunday but I dread Mondays even more now. It's a start to a new week, I feel like were getting further and further away from our boys. Time is slipping away as each Monday approaches. I think after Sundays I am also so emotionally exhausted that by the time Monday comes around I just want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to start a new week, I want to go back a few weeks and hold my baby boys in my arms again.
I woke up feeling mad at myself today. I know I overslept so physically I'm not that tired but my mind is now more clear to wonder. I had a dream about Jacob again last night and he like usual, was taken away from me. It was very similar to what happened, we were in the C-section room, they had pulled him out and shown him to us (which I really wish we had gotten on video, I'll hold that memory in my heart forever, it's the only time we saw his eyes open) but instead of bringing him into the resuscitation room and coming back to show him to us they took him away forever. My dreams always end up with him being taken away forever, it makes me sad that even in my dreams I don't get to keep him. I don't get to hold him in my arms forever. How I wish I could have held him during his first day of life but he was so unstable they didn't want to stress him out anymore then they needed to for medical tests. I wish I had kissed him more and sang to him more...and if I keep writing about this I won't be able to stop crying. I'm mad at myself for thinking we would actually get to bring him home. I'm mad ay myself for buying all those babylegs for him thinking he would actually get to wear them. I'm mad at myself for not listening to the doctors and instead listening to my heart and my gut. My gut was horribly wrong once before I should know better. I just wish things were different. There are so many unanswered questions that may never get answered and it kills me. I'd like to believe we did everything we could have and did the right thing when we chose to take him off the ventilator but until we talk to the doctors and find out what kind of went on we'll be left wondering. We meet with the social worker tomorrow, hopefully she can get things set up for us with the doctors because I don't know how much longer I can go without knowing what happened. We're not trying to point fingers as we are extremely thankful for the doctors who fought so hard for his life, we just want to know what happened because from things we were told to what happened....it doesn't make sense. Maybe it does, maybe we were just so consumed with grief we couldn't understand what they were telling us but now that we are able to process things more clearly we'd like to hear the explanation again. He was so close to making it the first critical 72 hours, he fought so hard and we thought he was doing okay considering the circumstances so how did it all go downhill so quickly? We don't even know what the cause of his death was and that makes me quite uncomfortable. At least with Ty we have some answers, or at least theories that seem pretty valid. We have no idea what happened to Jacob. I'm sure it will take a few weeks to get all the answers, between the medical records, meeting with the neo and waiting for the genetics tests to all come in. It may be Christmas before we know or have any answers. I don't know if I can wait that long....I guess I have no choice though.
It has only been 11 days since Jacob joined Ty in Heaven but it seems it has been weeks since he left us. I can't believe 11 days ago I was holding my baby in my arms for the first and last time. How is that fair? How is life even fair anymore? Nothing makes sense to me, nothing at all. Is this how life is going to be for me from now on? How is it fair that I had to go out and buy a chest to put all of Jacob's things in (I can't stand looking at the stupid bassinet anymore) I shouldn't be putting things away, I should be taking things out...
We stopped by to see the boys (no surprise there) and we had a bit of a chuckle. For those of you who don't know, Ty and Jacob are buried in a cemetery with many woodland friends which include deer. We know the deer like to eat flowers so when we buy flowers for the boys we tend to buy ones we know the deer will eat (that way we know the boys have woodland friends visit) For Jacob's funeral we received a very nice bouquet of flowers with some sunflowers and carnations and some nice purple, green and yellow foliage. We brought the bouquet to place on Jacob's grave yesterday knowing the deer would stop by, I also felt bad his grave didn't have many decorations yet. Well today when we showed up the deer had stopped by...but they didn't exactly eat the entire bouquet, instead, it looks like they picked out only the carnations and sunflowers from the bouquet and ate those. They left all the other green, purple and yellow foliage so he still has a pretty nice bouquet on his grave minus the carnations and sunflowers. We just found it a bit funny that they took the time to pick out the flowers they wanted to eat and left the rest. It seems being at the cemetery brings some sense of peace to me, it's the only place, not even home makes me feel that way.
Our mission to find a bin to put all of Jacob's things in failed...it made me mad, I was angry that I couldn't find something. I am so sick of looking at the bassinet. It'll be the third time I have to put it away without it being used, I mean really? Come on! My heart can only take so much. How many other mothers have had to put baby things away without them ever being used? How many mothers have had to bury two children and still come home to an empty house? All we want is to fill this house with children's laughter and we can't seem to get it right. I feel this time around I have a lot more anger...perhaps a trip to Goodwill to buy some cheap glassware and having a day of therapeutic smashing is what is needed...then I can take the smashed pieces, paint them and make a mosaic stone out of it.
There are so many things on my mind. So many things I wish we did to try to help. I'll always wonder if we should have said we wanted an amnio, we asked about it, they said it wouldn't help and no matter how many times we asked they didn't do it, I wish we did. I wish we would have waited an extra week or two, maybe it would have helped his lungs, despite them saying at that point they wouldn't develop more they also told us kidneys wouldn't develop after week 18 and they did. I wish we would have pushed for the steroid shot, they said it would only hurt the lung development but I can't help to think it may have helped. It was so hard to make the decisions we did. We based them on the doctors advice and maybe we should have went against them since they just went off things they knew, things that had happened before but they had never seen this kind of situation before, I just wish we would have done those few extra things to know we did everything. It would have been a battle but one that would have been worth fighting. I hope the doctors learned a lot from Jacob and that he changed some things in the medical field. He proved there was a reason never to give up, never to stop fighting. I only wish he was still here proving that but he is somewhere that he feels no pain and only knows love. I hope his time on earth was the same.....