I came across this blog a few days ago :
I feel her pain, I know how heartbreaking it is to yet again, hand over your child to a funeral director for a second time, to plan another service for a second time, to bury another child for a second time. You know what to do because you have already been there once. Everything grief wise is magnified 1000 times. All the feelings from before come rushing back, all the thoughts, all the fears, all the nightmares come back in full force, twice as bad as they were the first time. I cry for her, for her pain, I know the pain. I know it too well but I also hope to those who go through a second loss that I am a beam of light for them, proof that you can make it through, even more of a warrior mom then before. When you think you could never face another loss yet you are given no choice, you struggle through, you survive, just like you did the first time, in more pain, more agony and the healing road is endless.
My second loss was so much more incredibly hard then my first, so much to the point where as much as I hated the idea of going on medication, I had to. My grief was so overwhelming, it consumed me, it swallowed me whole, I needed the break, I needed the help and counseling a lone was not going to work the second time. I fought for my survival, on the darkest of days when it seemed so easy to just give up I fought, during the darkest hours where I laid in bed and imagined just being with my boys again but knowing how much pain that would cause others, I've been there. I've walked in her shoes, I know the pain, the doubt of ever coming out of such tragedy. I live my life today to show those baby loss mamas that you can do it. I am here now to tell them, be gentle on yourselves, breathe, don't put time limits on your grief and the biggest lesson I learned is not to compare your first loss with your second. They are so very different, the emotions, the feelings are similar yet so much more intense. To know what to do because you have already walked that path is not easy, it is not fair by any means.
I can relate to the pain she is in, the shock, the awe. The disbelief of it not really happening...like it is all just a bad dream. Her story is different than mine, she did not have time to prepare for her rainbows death like we did, it is a different journey she is on but I can relate to the pain of having to do everything over again. I can relate to making the hardest decision anyone in life would ever have to make, telling the doctor to take your baby off life support. It is a decision no parent should ever have to make, its is the most difficult decision parents are asked to make yet we do it for the love of our children, we do it because our love is so deep for them and even if it means letting them go, we do what is best for them.
I pray the man who ran the red light and hit their car, killing their rainbow is served proper justice. I pray for forgiveness for him, I don't know if I could ever forgive someone who killed my child or anyone close to me. There is no doubt he will live his life with a heavy burden on his heart, that alone is a lot but he still needs to be held accountable for his actions.
I pray for her and her husband as they try to wrap their heads around a second loss and all that comes with that. I pray that they do get another rainbow, their keeper. Her story hits me so hard in the heart because I know the pain, though different stories, different journeys, the pain of a second loss differs so much from the first. It is so important not to compare each loss to each other as they will differ. Each circumstance is different, each memory of those children is different, each had their own personality and each are grieved differently for. I know her pain of now having to do everything twice, when you buy something for one angel you have to for the other, the incredibly guilt that comes with two losses, not being able to equally grieve both angels at the same time is tough. Making sure you have two of everything for both angels, financially it can add up but you do it out of love, you live each day, you rise each day because you have loved so much, you hurt because you have loved so much.
I wish I could run to her and just wrap my arms around her and NOT tell her everything will be okay....nothing will ever be okay again. Sure you may pick up the pieces and live on in life but there will always be a void, there will always be sadness where there should be smiles. There will always be sorrow and you have to learn how to dance with the sorrow in your everyday life. I still have incredibly hard days and it's been 9 months since Jacob passed away but more than a year since we knew he would. I can say the majority of my days now are relatively okay, there may have even been a great day or two in there but they are rare. I'm still dealing with grief, I always will, it is a burden I carry in my heart for the rest of my life, but it is there because of love. I rather have loved than not have the chance to love at all. I think for today I will go through the boys memory chest and just spend some time with them. Of course that leads to much guilt that Jacob has so much more than Ty but that is a balancing act of feelings that comes with two losses, one I don't know if I ever will conquer but I will keep trying. I do fear once we do have living children there will be even more guilt if we don't proerply balance our grief with our happiness...but that is a road yet taken and one that will be here at some point and only then can I offer my thoughts on that.
I just feel so much for this mommy, handing over Jacob, putting him in that black funeral case....doing everything a second time....it's hard. Some may say that a good thing is, you know what to do and expect, but really, what kind of BS is that? It's good I have to do it all over again? Oh and yeah, the second time is much different than the first so no, it's not a god thing. I will never forget the person who said that to me, it infuriated me. But,m if I go down that road this blog will turn into a 400 page novel so for now, I am going to go love on what I have left of my boys and pray for this mama and her family.