There is a lady I have met through one of my Potter's Syndrome groups who lost her son Robert shortly after we lost Jacob. I found out this morning that she has now also lost her husband. I can't even begin to fathom loosing Stephen after loosing the boys as well. We did loose both our boys but I can't even begin to think how in the world I would make it through if I lost Stephen. I just don't think I could. Not after loosing the boys and him. I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have him in my life. He is my world, he is my rock, he is my best friend and I love him to pieces. Even after all we have been through our love continues to grow and somehow we continue to become closer. I was sure we were pretty close after we lost Ty but we have become even closer having gone through everything we did with Jacob.
We were married only two weeks after learning Jacob would not be coming home with us. A day of celebration in the darkness of the last year. A day where we both said that we would take each other "for better or worse" and for us, the worse has been put to the test time and time again and still we make it through. There is nothing our relationship cannot handle now, nothing compares to the loss of Ty and Jacob. I pray we can start to have some "betters" in there but I know we can make it through the worst. As long as we have each other we will make it through. It just made me so emotional to think of what this poor lady must be feeling. I can't imagine, there are no words. I won't let myself sit and think about loosing Stephen because I'd never leave the couch. No amount of medicine or therapy would help. I'd need years to get over loosing him after loosing our boys. He is my light at the end of the darkness. He makes me laugh on days I don't even want to smile. He lets me cry when I need to cry. He encourages me to do my best and celebrates me small accomplishments.
Our relationship has been put through the ringer and yet there is no one else I would want to be with. Even after the heartache we've had, even after he has seen me at my absolute worst (giving birth isn't pretty) but he helped me through. He did things most husbands may not (I won't go into detail but if you have given birth you know how hard after birth can be and how messy) he continues to do his best for our family. He has goals and dreams and it encourages me to keep on dreaming, which I struggle with at the moment. Sure he may not pick up after himself but secretly, a part of me likes that he needs me to take care of him, he needs me to organize his life so he can excel at what he does. I now know he needs me to step up and at least organize our house because without me, things don't get done and our world gets so confusing. He shows me I am needed, I am valued (he says it all the time but right now it's hard for me to feel) that life without me would not function as well as it does with me in it. Because of him I have started my journey with God, he teaches me so much about being a religious and spiritual person. He doesn't make fun of me when I ask silly questions most 5 year olds ask (though he does laugh but it's because he thinks its cute) he didn't make fun of me for reading a kids bible before I tackle the adult version. He supports my learning and likes to see me excel.
After all we have been through in the last year, I still have found happiness. At the worst times in our life, we still manage to smile (and sometimes it's not fake) we still manage to wake up every day and try to live on. I don't know how we do it but I know being together as a couple gives us power that some don't have. We have been together every single day for almost a year now and still, we love every minute of it. We wouldn't have it differently. The month I was at the hospital (only 3 months after we were married) was hard on both of us, though he pretty much lived there too. But being away, I think the hardest was not waking up next to each other. Something some people may take for granted but we cherish it. We joked that it was our honeymoon (we never took one because of everything that was happening with Jacob) but it was a honeymoon I would never trade. We grew so much in that month. Our relationship was again tested but we made it through. I am so thankful and blessed for everyday I get with him and I will never take that for granted. I could not have married a more perfect man and I love all his small flaws. After all, his flaws complete me, they define me. We can make it through anything life throws at us (though I pray it's done for quite some time) I will make it through but only because the grace of God has provided me with an amazing man to help me. I love my Stephen so much, I am so proud of him and all he has accomplished in our lives, for us. He is an amazing father and an amazing man. I am very blessed he chose me to be his forever love.