Today I am thankful that my green winter coat fits. I was worried I'd have to freeze this winter because I am a lot bigger then I was last winter when I bought the coat but I put it on and with a little sucking in of the gut, it was able to be buttoned up! Given, I can't raise my arms above my waist but who really needs that? At least I will be warm and I don't have to go through the depression of having to buy a bigger winter coat.
So....the trip yesterday. It actually went pretty well. I think what made it possible was the fact that I wasn't going for me, there wasn't anything I was going to get myself. I went because the boys needed a bigger Christmas tree for their grave and I wanted to get one to have here for them too. I got two table top trees and a boat load of Christmas decorations. I also picked up a few things for the house....I LOVE Hobby Lobby. If we are blessed to move anytime soon, I will be going back to get some homie decorations. I also got Jacob a bunch of first Christmas stuff to put in his box and a stocking. They had angel stocking holders but I wasn't a fan of the way they looked so I'll be waiting until better ones come out, maybe next year. We also went to Kohl's because I had to buy the boys a blanket that I am sending away to have their names, footprints and birthdates sewn onto. I wanted to get the same blanket that Jacob was wrapped in at the hospital but there was no way I was opening the bag that has his actual one in it so I got another one. I also found two new black sweaters for me (since they were stolen from the laundry mat, another reason I really hope we can get into a house soon, no one can steal our laundry and it won't be ruined with grease stains from other people) and two shirts that fit me now (I'm not going to say what size because it was quite depressing)
We were only away for about 4 hours, which we've done in London so it wasn't like we were gone any longer but I was anxious on the drive there and back. I wasn't too bad while we were there because I was so focused on thinking of things to make the boys. The only bad part was that in order to get the blanket I needed I had to go through the baby section and that was very hard. There were so many things I saw that I wanted to get for the boys and it's so hard to wrap my head and heart around the fact that they don't need anything because they are not here. I have such an urge to be buying them stuff but they don't need it. How do I tell my heart no? It doesn't understand, it is so broken from being empty handed while leaving the hospital twice, I just can't break it anymore. I hope over time the urges to buy them things go away. I've been really good this time about not actually buying them things, after Ty I went out and bought some things but this time I can't put myself through that. Ty did get a birthday present but that was it. Though, I may still buy them each a little Christmas gift to put under their tree. It's just so heartbreaking to buy a gift, wrap it up and leave it that way because there are no little boys to unwrap their presents. At the same time, it's so hard to resist the urge to be buying them things.....Sigh.....
I really want a room to decorate as a nursery because I want someplace for Ty and Jacob. I want the reminder of what was and what should have been and what WILL be one day.... I want a huge wall to hang all their pictures and mementos on ( I also bought a big set of metal angel wings to hang on their wall and I want to paint "Our Angels" and then have their shadow boxes and lots of picture frames with their pictures) but we need more space to do that...in the meantime their stuff are in boxes...I want it out where I can see it, where I can connect with it. I want to recognize and feel what those items mean to me. I can't do anything when there in a box. It feels like my grief is stuck in limbo until some things can change for Stephen and I. There's things I need to be able to do but simply cannot right now.
On top of wanting all of that....the mice are starting to chew through the wall and I pray they don't get to the cords. This house is simply not that safe for us and it is affecting Milo's health (and our health too) plus, I feel it has blessed and cursed us at the same time. Stephen and I need a new place, someplace we can really make a home and grow into. Someplace where we can start over and pray we are on the path towards a much happier future. The last year has been so tough for us, we could really use a break. We have a new car, Stephen will (we pray) be getting a new job soon, it only seems fitting that we move into a new place and have a fresh start. We will never forget the last year, we will always embrace it but it's time that the last year fits into our new life. We want a proper place to share Ty and Jacob with the world....praying something comes up soon.