A lot of women may think I am crazy for saying this but I am sad that my belly is shrinking so fast. I was hoping it could stick around a few more weeks. I'm not ready to see it disappear yet, I don't need to see my feet. I was really hoping my belly button would stay an outtie, a reminder of what once was. I'm okay with the stretch marks going away but I kind of like my little round flabby belly, I'm keen on it. The only time I don't like it, or didn't was when I went out. I still look about 4 months pregnant and people have asked the last few times I went out if I was pregnant, I tried to hide it. But today, well at least for today, I didn't want to hide it. I decided if people asked it would be an opportunity to tell them about Jacob. Yesterday we told the lady at the car dealership about Ty and Jacob and even though she was young (younger then us) she was obviously touched by what we were saying, she even started to get really teary eyed. I think women can relate so much more. The guy we told yesterday just went on about his grandkids which kind of hurt a little. Here we were telling you we just lost our second son and you go on about how wonderful having grandkids are....not the nicest thing. But back to my belly, I do want to loose weight and get healthy but I really wish my tummy would stop fading so fast. I have the stretch marks that I am trying to get rid of and I hope I have a bit of a scar mark from the c-section. Most people probably think that's strange but I have a "love mark" from Ty (bad set of varicose veins on my leg in a circle, I call them my Ty kisses) so I'm hoping I have Jacob kisses too.
I have no set goal for loosing weight, I just want to be healthy. I gained 30lbs with both boys (though with Jacob I was up 9lbs from Ty) and would like to get back to my pre-baby weight. I don't think it will be impossible, I am pretty determined and it's already coming off quickly and it did last time too (the dreaded last time's) so once I get the go ahead at 6 weeks I'll be out and about. Until then I prefer my tummy stay the flabby way it is. I don't know if I will ever fit into the same size clothes but I am okay with that. I'm a mom, my hips are larger, I have given birth twice, I don't expect to ever be the same size and I really am okay with that. As long as I feel healthy and feel good about myself size does not matter at the moment and I don't think it ever will. As long as I am happy that is all that matters.
We had a little lady visit this morning. One of our extended family members from our stillbirth group came over and brought her daughter (shes 13 months). One thing I love about having a group of people who went through what we did, they just get it! No one else would ever think to ask if bringing over their younger child would bother us, but these people get it. I'll be honest, if it were a little boy, it may bother me a bit but we were fine. She ran around the house and it was quite entertaining to see how the boys would react. Milo, like we suspected, ran and hid. Charlie was terrified it was funny, she was running around chasing him and he had no clue what to do. We were worried about the cats and a baby but now we know they'll be okay. They'll be terrified, perhaps a little curious but terrified for the most part. But it was a good experience to be around a baby in a comfortable situation and realizing I could handle it quite well. Seeing little girls does not bother me one bit, I didn't loose my little girl, I lost my two little boys so seeing little boys is a lot harder for me. After Ty, it was any baby, but I feel this time it's really just little baby boys that will bother me. Until I have my own little boy it will be tough. I miss my little boys so much.
I slept a bit better last night. The new solution, trying to go for a walk about an hour before bed and having a book to write things in while I am laying down. I am reading "Empty Cradle Broken Heart" again (I wish I didn't have to say again) but it is the one book that tremendously helped after we lost Ty. I found it so helpful that we are donating a bunch to the hospital so they can put it in with their baby loss kits. Anyways, reading it before bed is not the smartest idea. It seems to get my mind going and bring up a bunch of things, hence the book to write all these thoughts down in and last night it seemed to work. Though yesterday I was having an our of body day anyways so maybe that's why....I guess tonight will tell. Some of the things from reading the book last night that got me thinking:
1. Having the chance to do a lot with Jacob, gathering pictures and mementos for memories, brings up all the regrets of not being able to do those things with Ty. It makes me feel even more guilty that we do not have as much for Ty as we do for Jacob. It's not that we can even fix that either....
2. We have to go through the firsts again. The first Christmas, the first New Years, at the same time those are also the seconds for us as well. The really hard thing will be this Thanksgiving because that is the 1st Thanksgiving for Ty and Jacob not being here so I think our plan is just to cook a nice dinner for us and not doing anything big. That's the one celebration they share, Thanksgiving a time when you should give thanks for all the blessings in your life and yes we are blessed with many things but it's tough when our boys are not here. Some days it doesn't feel we have much to be thankful for even though we know deep down we really do. We won't be celebrating Christmas again either and probably not most holidays. The pain is just too deep to even pretend to enjoy it so another blah winter it will be for us. Maybe next year we will have more reasons to celebrate, who knows what God will do within the next year. I can only pray we will have a reason to celebrate.
3. All throughout the pregnancy with Jacob I had extremely good control over not letting myself fantasize about life with Jacob. The only thing I thought of was him being born alive and living. I did not dream about holidays or vacations or his first day of school. I did not dream about his prom or his graduation or him going to college. I did all of this with Ty and it is so hard to deal with loosing your fantasized future. The one and only thing I did think about, putting Jacob in his Snugli, putting on a cute pair of leg warmers and going apple picking. I LOVE apple picking but I do not think my heart has it to go this year. For two years now all I have wanted was to bring my baby apple picking, share with him something I love to do but I just can not bring myself to go this year. The place we go is so family oriented it just hurts too much. I do think I still want to get fresh apples and there is a little place by us we may just go to because I still want to bake and cook I just don't want the assault of family fun thrown in my face when I am grieving the loss of my two boys.
4. The book mentions ways of releasing anger (which I have a lot of pent up anger but I refuse to show it to anyone, my anger is not directed towards anyone in my life and I will not take it out on them) I cannot wait until my 6 week checkup so I can get the go ahead to start working out. Most days all I want to do is get out and run, run out my anger but I can't do that yet. We are going out for walks at night and they are getting longer but it's so hard not to just start running. I know my body still has to heal but it's hard to wait. I'm impatient.
5. I think I am in the denial stage again. I feel like this is not really happening, it was all a bad dream. I feel so out of body, it's weird. I don't have many real thoughts or emotions right now. Given I did cry today when we went to see the boys but I haven't felt much other then physical pain from grief. I'm just so tired, I think tomorrow will be a stay in bed and sleep kind of day. I need those every once in a while.
6. Stephen went out for a few hours by himself yesterday which worried me a little. We have not been a apart since pretty much May when we found out. After we lost Ty when he went out I really struggled, I felt so alone and so deep in my despair but yesterday I did okay. I cleaned a bit then wrote my blog and kept busy and emotionally I was able to handle it. I can't say it will always be like that but yesterday it was okay.
Sunday is the annual children's memorial service for children from the hospital. It's going to be incredibly hard for me, it was only suppose to be for Ty. This is the first time we go for Ty but it is also for Jacob now. I don't know what to expect, I don't know who will be there, nurses, doctors, social workers perhaps, we'll find out but I know one thing that will be there, lots and lots of tears. I am a bit worried about going, I don't know how well I will handle it but I want to go and share Ty with people, maybe we can connect with others who have also had a similar loss as us. Maybe we should hold off going back to church for another week because facing that and then going to this celebration may just do me in for a few weeks. I can only take one big thing at a time. I guess we'll see how I feel when I get up Sunday morning...only time will tell. Time is grief's only healer.....so here is to time.