Today was beautiful. We could have not asked for a more perfect day other than Jacob being here to spend it with us. The weather was beautiful, the support was amazing, the love was overwhelming, it was so nice to see everyone who not only remembered Jacob today but were there to show us their love and support. Thank you to everyone who was there and everyone who could not be there but sent us their support in other ways. Stephen and I are truly blessed and there is no way we can ever show our appreciation. We are so thankful to each and everyone one of you who shared Jacob’s life with us.
His funeral was perfect. Of course the reason it was so perfect was because we knew exactly what to do and what we wanted having had been through it before. We went out for breakfast with my parents, stopped by the church to set his and Ty’s pictures up, came home, got dressed and headed to the church. We spent a few more minutes with him, kissing him one last time before we brought him into the church. The service was so peaceful and of course Stephens Eulogy was beyond what any words can express (I posted the Eulogies under, Eulogies, he wrote both Ty’s and Jacob’s) he is incredibly talented when it comes to words. He is working on a book about grief and I have no doubt it will be amazing because he is just amazing himself. I am so blessed to have him in my life, our relationship has not been easy as there have been so many downs and only a few ups but the ups we have had keep us strong, keep us together, keep us going. I would not be able to make it through without him. He is my drug, he is what makes me get out of bed every morning, he is what makes me motivated to do good for this world. I am so thankful we have each other and even through the most tragedies of all tragedies (and twice at that) our love remains and continues to grow (I don’t even know how it is possible, but it does).
The day was so nice, it was supposed to rain but it was sunny and cool. I cried a lot but it felt so good. It felt so peaceful and serene yesterday. It has been so different this time around. I am so glad I decided to share Jacob’s life with so many people and not shut anyone out like I did last time. It just made the day so much more loving and peaceful.
One week ago today we took Jacob off his ventilator, we were sure he was already gone and just his body was left. It has been such a long week but one filled with many special moments. Wondering if we did the right thing…if giving him a few more hours would have changed his outcome. Wondering what happened, trying to piece together a sense of life. Trying to be strong for those around us who feel weak. Letting the tears fall freely and not holding back on anything. Gathering mementos of Jacob, printing pictures, hanging pictures, getting ready for the funeral, making sure everything was set and ready. I actually have felt this week, I am not drugged up anymore and I’m not holding anything in and as hard and uncomfortable as it is I know it is very healing.
If you asked me this time last year what the next year would be like I never in a million years would have guessed this outcome. All I have wanted my whole life was a family, a loving husband (which I have) and lots of kids….here to stay with us on earth. I never thought I would have to specify on earth and NOT in Heaven. I want nothing more than to bring a newborn baby home from the hospital and raise a child. I want to see Stephen rocking and feeding his baby instead of writing eulogies and lowering his sons into their graves, it breaks my heart to see him not getting a chance to bond with his sons. I am so thankful he got to enjoy almost every minute of Jacob’s 2 ½ days here. I am thankful he had that time to bond and Jacob surely knew his daddy was there with him.
The rain tonight is so refreshing, its like a cleansing for the soul. It was the perfect ending for the day. It suited my mood and cleansed my soul. Now it’s time to heal…..