I know I have mentioned this before but it is something that really bothers me and I have yet to figure out how to deal with or balance it. How do I fairly and equally grieve both of my boys? I often find myself thinking about one and than I will feel guilty and want to think of the other but than I feel I'm thinking too much about the other. It's a tough act to balance. I feel really guilty because we have so much more to remember Jacob by and more people acknowledge him because we shared our journey with him.
I found myself wondering the other day what boy it was that certain things happened in pregnancy. My mind is so jumbled I couldn't even remember what boy it was that I was addicted to plums. I remember Ty was my fruit and veggie baby and Jacob was my cherry jolly ranchers and rice cakes baby. But Jacob was also my queso baby, my cheese whiz baby, my egg baby, my red meat baby. I remember so much more about him, maybe because with him I didn't have horrible morning sickness like I did with Ty and could actually eat a lot more but still, I don't remember what it was with Ty that I liked specifically. I'm really glad I wrote it down in his baby book so I can at least go back and look over it. I think I need to take some time to go over both and reacquaint myself with what boy liked what.
I feel guilty that we have so many more pictures of Jacob and we have one of Ty. I've tried to make nice pictures with the ones we have of Ty and do some photoshop with my holding him but I'm not good at it and I can't seem to find anyone who can do them for me. I feel guilty that we have Jacob's hair and hand and foot molds in addition to his footprints. All we have of Ty is his footprints. I feel guilty that when people ask me how I am doing and say "oh it's only been 5 months" they seem to forget or not mention that in fact it really has been 16 months. I lost Ty 16 months ago and Jacob 5 but just because I've lost Jacob more recently does not mean I'm not grieving for Ty. In fact I am only now able to start grieving for him, to feel the guilt.
I will never be able to forget how bad I felt for not having Ty in the room with us the whole time we were at the hospital. I don't know where he was and I think it's unfair that Jacob was treated with so much more love. We stayed with him, we bathed him, he was never left alone and once he passed he was always in someones arms. I feel so guilty that Ty didn't get any of that. We loved him just as much but I don't feel we respected his little body in the same way. Than when I start thinking about that I think that if we hadn't done all that for Jacob I'd be left feeling horrible as well. We had so much guilt with Ty that we did everything we possibly could with Jacob (though I do still have some regrets) but even than, it's caused more guilt too that Ty didn't get the same love.
Everytime I get something for one of the boys I have to get it for the other. I know they are different, they were individuals but I feel it is unfair to get something for Ty and not Jacob or vice versa. I feel guilty that it is much easier to find bears and blue butterfly's (Ty) than it is to find sunshine and sweetpeas. I feel guilty that because we made every moment of Jacob's pregnancy known we have so many more memories. We took Ty's for advantage and I wish I hadn't but we didn't know. No matter how many times people tell me "you did the best" it will never make me feel better. I know I did the best I could at the time but that does not ease the guilt one bit. I will live with guilt the rest of my life. I will live with guilt that I'm not respectfully grieving both of my boys equally. I feel guilty that Ty's birthday us October 15th, which also happens to be perinatal and infant loss remembrance day. So when we celebrate his birthday others make think we are just recognizing he was a perinatal loss but that with Jacob he has his own day, he doesn't have to share it with every baby gone too soon.
I feel guilty that Jacob's memory box has so much more than Ty's, that his shadow box has more than Ty's. I feel guiltily if I always blow kisses to one before the other at the cemetery. I try to change it up each time but than I feel guilty that Ty was first and I feel he should be acknowledged first. He's not remember as much as Jacob is. I feel guilty that Jacob is buried in a very warm outfit and Ty is not. I feel guilty that Ty is buried wrapped in his grandma's love in the way of a crocheted blanket but Jacob only has a small knitted square because I could not finish it in time (though I had plenty of time). There is so much guilt with multiple losses in the sense that it is very hard to feel you are equally and fairly grieving each loss. It is something I will always have to live with unless I can figure it out or be okay acknowledging one more than the other at times but even that will take a long time. It just adds to the stress of grieving.
Speaking of stress, Stephen's job...well now he doesn't know. He is waiting to hear if he gets a promotion or not but chances are we will not hear for a few weeks so year again our lives hang in the balance (or whatever that saying is, I can't think of it at the moment) I just wish we knew what was going on so I could focus less on worrying about how we will pay bills and more about getting myself back on a routine. I wish somehow we could afford to get into a house so I wouldn't have to worry about being stuck in a place we really need to get out of. For some reason our neighbour downstairs has started smoking inside and it comes up into our apartment. I have really bad asthma (this house is like a death trap for me) and it is not good for me. I do not want to bring a baby into a house where it will be exposed to second hand smoke. There are so many reasons we need to move but we can't afford it. All our savings for a down payment have been spent on bills because we haven't been able to work. Our work history is now inconsistent (according to a mortgage company) because we've been off trying to deal with our grief. Things just add up against us and those who experience loss. As if loosing a baby isn't unfair enough we are dealt with so much more than we should have to worry about. But, life is unfair, there is no easy way out, no matter how tired and depressed one is we have to live on.
I just pray in a few months I can start to write more positive posts, I pray good things start to happen, things turn around for us. I pray Stephen gets offered the promotion and somehow we find enough money to move into a house (and it won't be the lottery because we do no play) maybe God will bless us somehow. He knows what we need and I hope he does provide. We don't ask for much and I am very thankful we do have a roof over our head but there is so much negativity attached to our apartment I don't think it is healthy for us to continue to be here, not to mention we do not need anymore falling down the stairs incidents. I don't like posting about bad things only but honestly, that's where we are right now. We have been here 16 months and do not see a break in sight. Maybe in time there will be, I mean there has to be right? We can only take so much, I can only take so much before I shut down even more and really don't get out of bed.
And since this is already a novel I will end it here....I do want to say that I am incredibly thankful and blessed and I cannot thank God enough for bringing Charlie and Milo into our lives. Those furbabies keep us entertained and loved more than we could ever ask.