Do you remember when, I think it was last week, I said I was going to go off my medicine because there weren't too many stressful and anxious events happening in our lives....I forgot about the fact that everything in our life is stressful and anxious, especially all that has happened today. But before I indulge you in the details I must proudly say I made it through. The few days leading up to today I contemplated going back on my meds just to help me get through today but then I realized I had to go off my meds at some point and why not try now when I have the time, energy and support to work through a lot of the tougher issues so I held out and did very well. It probably would have been better if I didn't cram so many big things for me into one day but I think the sun, my boys and the severe lack of sleep I have had in the last two nights got me through. I also treated myself to a iced tazo passion tea....So today, a lot happened today and I think this will have to be a two parter because as I write this it is now 11:05pm and I am exhausted but that's what always happens at our Bereaved Families meetings, we always get shoed out because we stay way later then we should. I do apologize a head of time if some of this blog does not make sense. I am going on 4 hours of sleepage in the last two nights (yes I made up a word to describe my lack of sleep and it is fitting...sleepage) so bare with me
Firstly speaking of sleep, going to the meeting tonight reminded me that after all the meetings we had at bereaved families, those were the nights I slept the best. I think going and talking about things, clearing my mind, getting them off my chest allowed me to lay down and actually focus on sleep so I look forward to a decent night of sleep. (I didn't make it past this paragraph last night before I crashed) I did sleep pretty well, Charlie woke me up pretty early because he was afraid of the thunderstorm but I slept well otherwise. May I add it was quite odd to wake up to a thunderstorm followed by a very warm and sunny day....it's still winter!!!! Mother nature have you gone crazy? I was in flip flops, capris and a t-shirt today and we went to get ice cream (frozen yogurt for me)
I know when I sleep well because I dream and I usually remember my dreams. Last night I had an awesome dream. We were in the hospital in one of the antenatal rooms and I was clearly pregnant and about to go in for my c-section. Dr S (our high risk OB) came by and was preparing us and Stephen was getting ready. I was wheeled into the OR room (we already know next time will be a c-section) and they began the c-section and Dr S pulled out a beautiful baby girl who we named Matea. He gave her right to me and I can remember thinking that she didn't look like Ty or Jacob but as I layed on the OR table I was looking into her eyes and I was crying happy tears. I felt so peaceful and happy and it felt so real. I can only pray this is a sign of what is to come.
So back to yesterday. I met up with my best friend from child hood. We haven't talked in about 3 1/2 years so I was quite nervous to meet up with her but given we haven't talked in 3 1/2 years there was plenty to talk about and I had a really nice time catching up. This was a person I was inseparable from growing up in London and even after we moved to Michigan we always got together so it was nice to have her back in my life. The thing I learned from Ty and Jacob was that I don't want to live a life of regrets. I know there are people in my life I pushed out, people that I have hurt, people that have hurt me and life is really too short to worry about the past. If things can be mended at the current time and it's with people who are supportive and I still enjoy their company, I don't want to miss out on any more.
After meeting with her Stephen and I headed to the Bereaved Families meeting. Like I've said before, we never usually go because there aren't any infant loss people but due to the fact we knew the speaker (she was our social worker pre-natally with Jacob) we wanted to catch up with her and we knew a couple who lost their little girl a month ago so we wanted to be there for them
The meeting last was a bit odd for us. The first time we walked in those doors there were people for us and now one part of our grief journey is being there for others but like I told Stephen, it's a tricky balance for us. We are in the role of being the healer now (17 months after we lost Ty) to be there and support others but at the same time for us, we are also still the victims (we are so new in our grief of loosing Jacob) I found the meeting tonight to be so very rewarding, to hear a couple who only a month ago lost their little girl brought back so many of my emotions but on my journey I am in a much different place. It was different to sit there in a role of listener at the same time to be there for myself and talk about Jacob. We haven't had group since loosing him and I feel it is only fair we get to share him now too, though he was shared throughout our pregnancy a lot more than Ty was. Again, it's the guilt of balancing two losses. I do look forward to our infant group nights coming up though, they are truly the most helpful in healing.
This morning I got to share my boys with a few of the Gamma Dynacare ladies. One of the ladies there has taken my blood before and she remembered me because of my tattoos so the other girl taking my blood was asking me about them and about my boys so I told them (the other girl had come over by this time) all about Ty and Jacob as quick as a 1 minute blood draw goes. I've finally come into a sense of being able to tell their story without tears but also tel tell their story in a shortened version for those with little time to hear. The lady taking my blood said I must like talking about my boys (guilty mom that I am, I LOVE talking about them) but she said that because of where my tattoos where and mentioned that I must be comfortable or I wouldn't have put them someplace so noticeable. So I thought I would share why I chose the location I did. I wanted to be able to see my tattoos at any time I felt like looking at them so it ruled out the back. I wanted them to be someplace I could hide them if I had too but not someplace that required me getting naked to see them...so no boos, thighs, nether regions or feet (I love my flip flops) but I also felt I wanted to be able to hold them over my heart, obviously this limited my area to my arms the last decision, if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again I wanted to be able to rest their little feeties on my belly...making my wrists the perfect location. It's not that I put them there for a conversation starter in fact I have noticed most people look but never ask. I put them there for personal reasons but now that I am in a better place emotionally, I love that for some people it will be a conversation starter.
I've been quite busy lately and thankfully still sane even though I am off my meds. I am learning to deal with the anxiety and stress and I know it'll take time but now that I am off my meds I feel better physically. I am no where near as tired and exhausted as I was on them so I've been able to do quite a bit more. My parents were up last weekend helping my Nanny move and they brought some things back for us. We got a new kitchen table and the thing I love most about it is the fact that it is a family heirloom. I love things like that, they mean so much to me. It opens up to quite a big table so once we get some more space we plan on getting a church pew to go with it and having big family dinners around a table that has been in our family passed down for my generation. My nanny also sent me her golfclubs so now Stephen and I can go golfing together (even though I am horrible I do look forward to spending some time with him doing something he enjoys) I of course will need to get about 200 balls just for 9 holes of golf but it'll be fun! I am also getting her hope chest. My mom has one and I love the idea (and the name) of again, having something passed down to me that I can pass on to my kids and keep it in our family for generations. My aunt was generous to send me her serger so I took it in and we spent today getting to know each other. It was a rough start but we finally got on the same thread and now we'll be whipping up some new items in no time! So a shout out to my nanny, thanks for all the very meaningful things passed down to me. I look forward to passing them down to my children when the time comes.
And lastly (I have a lot to say when I don't write for days) a few people lately have told me that I "look really good" and I don't take it as a compliment because I do not feel good. I'm still in maternity pants, I'm just starting to fit back into regular shirts, given they are a bigger size now and I have 14lbs to loose before I will be back to pre-pregnancy weight (5 from Jacob, 9 from Ty) I don't feel that I look any better, I still feel like a fat whale....I'm sure I won't notice the difference much but I don't feel good about my body. I just find it funny so many people have said it lately. It's the last thing I'd think to say to myself.
Okay time to get back to making a very special gift for a mommy in need....