There has been something bothering me lately (again, I know there's a lot)...all these parents who make a HUGE deal out of their babies having down syndrome, like it's the end of the world. Do you know what I would have given for Ty and Jacob to have that instead of them being buried in the ground? It just bothers me that people don't see those babies as their children, their flesh and blood, as members of their family that deserve lots of love, instead some (not all I know some do appreciate all children) see them as burdens. I'd take a burden any day over burying my child, given I wouldn't see them as a burden. I guess only baby loss mama's can understand every life is precious.
It just goes along with the enjoying every minute of pregnancy, every sleepless night, every diaper explosion. Until you've never had that and it's something you want so badly, most people simply do not get it. Just like most people go into all their pregnancy checkups ignorant to what could happen. I go in fearful of what we may hear...or not hear. Every time they look for the babies heartbeat, I will wonder if it's still beating. Every time they take a test, I will wonder what will be wrong this time. We don't care about it being a boy or girl, we care to know how much fluid there is, if there are kidneys and a bladder, how the heart is beating, how the measurements are, what is the placental flow ratio...things most pregnant women don't even know or think of. We still do all the tests but not because we'd abort our baby if they came back with problems but because we want to best prepare ourselves for what our child may need. It was so different with Jacob because we had a lot of time to prepare. I spent day after day, hour after hour researching on a way to find a cure. There was none but it didn't stop me from trying. I drank gallons of water a day in hopes it would be enough to help. Doctors can't deny that it may have helped a bit. I looked up the meaning of renal agenesis, I studied hours on procedures being researched in hopes of finding a glimmer of hope. I spent the last weeks waking up every two hours at night to do a kick count to make sure he was still okay. I slept partially upright to make sure he was in the best possible position to avoid a cord accident. 3 times a day I held my breathe as they listened to his heartbeat wondering if there would be silence. 2 times a week I held my breathe while they looked at his BPP's wondering if they were going to tell me the placental flow was decreasing which meant an eminent delivery before any of us were ready. We held on as long as we could but not wanting to risk him being stillborn. I will never go beyond 37 weeks, I will never get to enjoy a natural delivery again because I know way too many women who have had babies die during delivery. I don't want that added risk. I can't even imagine if we chose that route, having a perfectly healthy baby and 10 minutes before they are born, labour gets the best of them and they die...no thank you. I have no innocence left. I have nothing but fear. I fear being pregnant because I know it can bring heartache. I've bared that heartache twice, it's all I know.
If we decide to get pregnant again it will be a very long rough road filled with so much emotion. Filled with many prayers and many trying times. Every appointment will bring anxiety, fear, terror. There will be many moments of holding my breathe. There will be numerous questions and appointments, making plans, scheduling extra tests, being admitted to the hospital again, the thought of having to prepare again (if we do anything) and worrying it'll all have to be put away for a 3rd time without being used. The fact that our car seat will expire before we even get to use it. But there is also the hope that it will be used. There is hope that I will get to hold and snuggle with our baby....there is hope I will have sleepless nights not because I'm up crying but because I'm up taking care of our little one. There is hope and there is fear. There certainly is no innocence though.