Is not an easy one, especially the second time around. Because I am still grieving the loss of Ty I have so much more emotion this time around. I feel that I now have the ability to focus on my grieving of loosing Ty but in addition to grieving him I am also grieving loosing Jacob. So much has happened in the last 11 months all my emotions are now coming out. Last time was so different, my emotions didn't have time to come about. I was in such shock for 3 months and then we were pregnant so I had to focus on taking care of my body and Jacob. The thing I don't like about the whole situation....saying last time. Even worse then the What If's are the Last Times. No mother ever deserves to compare the death of her two children. There shouldn't be Last Times. I find when people ask me how I am doing, or what we are feeling I say compared to last time, last time, last time, last time. I HATE that I have to say compared to last time, how is that even fair? Once is enough, I wish I didn't have things to compare. The only positive, if you can even call it that, thing is that we knew what we wanted to do while Jacob was here so we don't have as many regrets as we did with Ty. There are still regrets and I think there would be, the only way there wouldn't be regrets was if Jacob were here and that's not the case, so no matter what we did I am sure there would be regrets. Of course some of the things we regret medically not doing, may perhaps have made a difference but we won't ever know and it's probably better we don't know. I can only pray no other mother ever has to say, compared to last time. Unfortunately, I know there are other mothers out there who say, compared to last time and my heart breaks for them. It is no easy task.
When we arrived at the boys graves today they had already put Jacob's temporary grave marker up. I was not expecting it this soon because last time (see here is one) with Ty it took a few weeks. I thought it would make me cry but it gave me even more peace. It made me feel better that his grave now had his name on it. It made me realize he was my son, he is there now. I am having a very hard time feeling connected to Jacob and him being gone. It seems like it was all a bad dream so seeing his name and acknowledging him helps. I also like that its up now because my little tradition is when I leave their graves I look at their names on their graves say their name in my head and blow a kiss up to Heaven so it's nice to see Jacob's name now. It made me smile to see his name. My baby Jacob T.E. Nelles next to his big brother Tiberius S. Nelles. Now anyone who walks through will see our boys names and even if for a brief second, they will be thought about....it's a comforting feeling. I cannot wait to go back and see them again tomorrow.
I am still having a lot of trouble sleeping. I need to start writing down things before bed like I had to last time (again). After Ty I was having trouble sleeping because I would lay down to sleep and my mind would start going. The same thing is happening this time. No matter how much time I give myself during the day to focus on my grief and thinking about Jacob, it just comes full force right before bed so I am going to try the journaling before bed to see if it helps. I really hope it goes because I am exhausted. The thing with exhaustion too is, it can be from so many things. Given our situation we're emotionally drained on top of the fact my iron is depleted from a back to back pregnancy, my thyroid levels have to readjust and so do my hormones...so much going on physically that attributes to the exhaustion. It's very hard to get out of bed in the morning now. Our bed is so comfy and warm and with as tired as I am I don't see a reason to get out of bed...not even to buy a new car (which we pick up on Monday)
Like I mentioned before, I am really struggling with feeling a connection with Jacob. I can see why women who have c-sections say they have trouble bonding with the baby. Last time with Ty I really felt connected to him, even though we spent less time with him, I still felt that mothering connection but with a c-section it's a lot harder and even harder because of our situation. The whole process of the c-section is very medical, not mothering at all. I was frozen, I didn't know what was going on, I wasn't doing anything to help get my baby here, then he was pulled out shown to us for a second and taken away. I barely got to see him, hearing his cry is so vague to me, it was the only time I saw his eyes open and that was for a split second. I had to be in recovery for 2 hours, wheeled to his side for maybe 5 minutes then back to my postpartum room. I was in there until 4 when Stephen told me he wasn't doing well then nothing was going to keep me from him. But for the first 5 hours I saw him for maybe 10 minutes total and my body never experienced the hormone release like it did with Ty from the natural delivery. All of this leads to me feeling very disconnected from Jacob, on top of the fact I was drugged up the first day and a half. It just makes it seem like it was all a bad dream. I don't know how I would be able to begin feeling connected to him, maybe this time it will take a lot longer then it was with Ty because of the experience. Maybe because I was able to be his mother and mother him a lot more this time that the urge isn't as strong. Maybe because I am so broken hearted or I haven't accepted his death yet that it won't hit me until later. I just wish I could hold him in my arms again.
Everyone right now seems to be named Jacob. Never heard it while we were pregnant but since he has passed it is EVERYWHERE. I don't know how I feel about it. I wish I could be saying it to my little baby, I wish I could still be whispering into his ear, singing to him, starting at him in awe, holding his sweet little fingers....he should have still been with us, growing stronger everyday in the NICU. Maybe we would even be close to bringing him home....if only.