I'm beginning to understand why the subject of perinatal/infant loss is so taboo. It's all thanks to the media. There has been so much negativity over the Duggar's choice to name and take photos of baby Jubilee. Now with this Santorum issue that the world seems to be stuck on. Let me just say to all of you, if you have not been in our shoes, if you have never dealt with perinatal loss or infant loss then I am sorry but this is one issue you have no right to an opinion about. You have no idea the thoughts and emotions that come with such a tragic topic. You have no right to judge or discriminate. These seconds, minutes, hours are the only time we get with our children. The photos we take are the only photos we will ever have. The memories are all we will ever get. There will never be a first birthday, first day of school, graduation, weddings, grandchildren or retirement. Our children will never see the light of day, they will never feel the sand between their toes, they will never lay by the beach on a warm sunny day. The moments we have holding them, kissing their sweet little cheeks, taking pictures of their precious little toes and fingers, that is all we get are a few moments and those moments last a lifetime.
If you've never been in our shoes you don't understand and though most situations you are entitled to your opinions this is not one of them. Keep all your thoughts and opinions to yourself. You have no right to voice them since you have not been in our shoes. You do not know how it feels, you do not know the pain of the decisions we have to make, you do not know how it feels to have to plan a funeral for your child. You do not know how it feels to hold your lifeless infant, to look at them and see all your dreams and hope vanish, vanish into the ground with your child. You don't know how it feels to not know what your children would be like, who they would be, what they would do. The guilt, the sadness, the change of living. So please keep your non-valid opinions to yourself, you have no right to voice them on the subject of perinatal/infant loss unless you have walked in our shoes.
Okay now that I got that little rant our of the way let's see....today...a few things. I got my hair cut. I really needed a hair cut. I never have long hair but I have gotten so use to the laziness of long hair by just putting it up and leaving it. However, that is no more, back to short for me and I love it. It forces me not to be lazy every day and actually have to do my hair.
I was suppose to go have my blood done this morning but I had to leave. I went after I dropped Stephen off and it was busy. I went in at number 50 and I got number 73. I figured I had no place to be so I might as well just sit and wait an hour or two. About 5 minutes after I sat down a woman came in with a baby. I could tell it was a little girl because of the pink stroller. Well wouldn't you know she ends up in the seat next to me. I was sitting there thinking and telling myself that I could do this. I could just sit and be okay. She took her baby out and began talking and she said the baby was 4 months old (Jacob's age) and then she started talking about all the milestones she was hitting and I lasted about 10 seconds before the tears started and I left. I can get my blood done another day without all the torture.
Stephen and I again have been presented with some possible opportunities. I am not saying what they are because I don't want to jinx them all I can say is we really need these opportunities and they would help us out in a huge way and reduce a lot of our stress. I really pray God is actually going to let them work out this time because I am beyond being patient with us being presented with possibilities and then having them dashed time after time so I really pray these do work out. It would be wonderful and amazing and solve one big problem we have....but I know we have to wait to hear so here is to waiting again and praying my heart out these plans actually go through this time. I'm trying not to get excited about them because Stephen and I both know too well nothing is guaranteed. All the possibilities we have had presented to us in the last year have been dashed so I'm not thinking too much about them. And I don't trust my instinct so I have no idea what to think. I'm going with nothing until we get the official word. I would like to share some hopeful news but I don't want to share it until we know for sure because I'm tired of getting my hopes up.