I am constantly being reminded that only my world has stopped with the loss of Ty and Jacob. The rest of the world keeps on moving and it keeps on trying to pull me back in. Why am I not allowed the time I need to grieve? I am trying my hardest to grieve and heal but things keep piling up and adding to the stress. How am I ever suppose to get better? I think it should be required for any mother who looses a child to have a MINIMUM of one year off life (expenses paid by someone else of course because the bills don't disappear). How are we suppose to heal when new things are added weekly that we have to deal with, they just keep on coming. I feel I keep pushing my grief down because life is knocking at my door and I have to answer it. But I know in order to heal I have to deal with my grief, however, I can't because of all the bills piling up, because even after all I have been through I still don't get a break.
The stress I experience is astonishing to myself. For a person who use to be so laid back I am flabbergasted at how ill I am handling all the things piling up. I use to welcome it but I wish it would go away. I am physically ill from the stress on top of mentally and emotionally ill. My jaw is killing me, I have TMJ and when I am stressed I crack it like crazy (just ask Stephen, it annoys him so much) but I cannot help it. It's almost like a nervous twitch. It not only hurts my jaw but creates so much tension in my neck and shoulders and gives me headaches. On top of the fact, I can't seem to get a pound off my body (which I am trying to exercise everyday from now on) and my cycle has not returned which is a whole stressor within itself. Why can't the world go knock on someone else's door and let me deal with what I need to deal with. Let me grieve in the time I need...not what everyone else seems to think I need.
How can I be expected to return to a high paced, multi-tasking, butt covering, stressful job when I struggle to dress myself, I struggle to use the blender and vacuum, I struggle with getting my butt off the couch because I simply have NO energy. Grieving takes all my energy. I'm a clutz, I'm very unorganized, my mind is never in the right place, my memory is shot and I am trying my hardest to try to fix these things but I feel so pressured to hurry up and get back into life. How can I handle going back into the world when a sink full of dishes or a messy bed make me feel overwhelmed. How can I get past the mini and major meltdowns I seem to experience everyday. One little thing, the tiniest thing sets me off and I am gone for the day, I simply cannot recover that day. I seem to be misplacing things all the time, forgetting about things that need to be done, sitting and staring off into space for hours on end. I am trying....but trying takes time.
The other issue with trying is that I am seeking professional help but I am not the only one in London who is seeking it. People can't make appointments to see me every week, they simply cannot. They are busy with others as well so I have to wait. And, since we have been off of work for the last year, we can not afford to pay for services that are not covered. OHIP is not to keen on paying a lot of money so my visits have to be spaced out. I'm doing as much as I can but it keeps kicking me in the butt.
I just wish we were provided with enough money not to have to worry about rejoining the real world until I was ready. Even 2 or 3 years. One year for each of my losses and another year to actually be able to experience fulfilling the motherly urges I have and bringing a baby home. It's not that I don't want to ever re-join the real world, in fact I look forward to it. I have some goals for my career and I do intend on reaching them but I need time to heal first. I need my mind to clear. I need to let my meltdowns disappear, I need time to breathe and focus and try to figure out how to piece life back together. Where do I find the energy to do more then one thing a day? I have a lot I need to figure out and it will take time, why does no one seem to get that what I really need is time? Why am I not allowed to have the time I need? Why do others seem to think they know the time I need? Your not me and I wish you never are but you do not understand the current me and the lack of ability I currently have. Maybe because most know me as a very strong willed, independent person and they do not see how weak I have become. For those, I am not the same person nor will I ever be. I have become so dependent on others, I am weak, I am irresponsible in a sense, I cry at everything, I forget everything, my mind is currently taking a vacation, just talking to people confuses me. I can't think of the proper words to use sometimes and sometimes I can't even spell the simplest of words (poor, a few night ago, it was bad) How do I go back into the world when the world I am in is falling apart and I am trying my hardest to piece it back together but it is and will take a long time? I need a break.....I need to figure out how I am suppose to provide for my family (if insurance simply chooses not to cover me anymore because they seem to think I am quite fit to go back to work) when I am incapable of doing so many things. I have to re-learn how to live and I need time. I need to finance time but I have no idea how to right now. It sucks because we have bills, we have health needs. If these were not there, we would be okay but they are and we need to figure out how to deal with it in a sense that I am not being pushed beyond my limits and set myself back even more.
I need the worry about finances to go away, I need the stress of the moving world to go away, I need it to stop knocking at my door because I am just getting out of the shower and will not be answering the door for awhile. Give me my time world, cover my expenses while I grieve my time and heal. The added stress is not helping, it is making things worse so please stop.
If only life were easy......can't I get a break?