I feel like my grief for Jacob has been put on hold until we figure out what happened. I can't say the same thing happened with Ty because we were in such shock our grief did not set in until a few months later but by then we already had some "probable's" with what happened to Ty. We kind of understand what happened with him. My placenta did not develop fully causing the cord to not form properly, it was very long and thin and had no jelly. Because of these two things he was underweight and because of no jelly his cord was much more easy to compress so when it was wrapped around his arm it got compressed. It all makes some sense. It does anger me they didn't catch that he was small. But I have accepted their thoughts behind what happened. This time around I'm already feeling a lot and I'm already mad as heck. Now we just have to wait to find out what happened so we can deal with that part of our grief. It may take a while, we may not get the exact answers but if we can at least get some probables, I mean we know in the general sense why it may have happened but we are still confused as to what was happening in the NICU from what we were being told. I know it may be opening a can of worms and we may hear some things that we may have been better off not knowing but we have to know. People who are not in our situation may not understand why we would risk what we may be told, but for anyone who has lost a child, you know the feeling of having to find answers at whatever cost it brings. Let the waiting game continue....
I did not sleep well last night. We didn't go for a walk and I think that has a lot to do with it, so tonight we must walk before bed! I found myself laying there with lots on my mind, even though I wrote a bunch of stuff down before bed, so I came out to the living room and rocked in the rocking chair for an hour. It's hard to shut off ones mind when it is already going a mile a minute. The book last night didn't give me too many things to ponder but I think in general there are a few things that have been on my mind, which seemed to keep me up last night.
1. Family.....when we found out we were expecting Ty and Jacob Stephen and I knew our family would be expanding, in the normal sense when you have a baby your family expands. Some people may say our family didn't expand because the boys are not here but they are very much still a large part of our family. We may have lost their physical sense of "family" by them not being here but we gained so much more. Not only did we gain two of our very own guardian angels but we gained an extended family we never had before. We gained a family that has become our new normal. We unfortunately had an amazing opportunity to expand our family after loosing Ty. We became a part of a family I wish no one would ever have to join, a stillbirth family. I won't mention any names for their privacy but I will say that this extended family has become a god send in our situation. These people just get it, they know without any explanations. We have been blessed with amazing support from our stillbirth family. The relationship we have with this part of the family is one that no one on the outside can understand. I don't even know how to explain it. I can explain how extremely grateful I am to have these people in our lives. We may have started out as a support group but we really did grow into a family, one that will always be there for each other no matter the situations we go through and god forbid anything bad ever happens we step up and support, that's what families do. They love and support each other during the hard times and love and celebrate during the good times. You all know who you are and I just want you to know how much you mean to Stephen and I. And for one of you in particular, we continue to pray that god blesses you with your new addition, we look forward to meeting her. We love all of you so much and would be so lost in this journey of grief without you. So here is to our future as a special part of our family. We love you guys.
2. So now to a not so happy topic and something I am struggling with, my identity. I do know I am a mother to two boys with wings and I am a wife (which still sounds funny to say...wife...ha). But that's all I know right now. I know with time and more experience I will figure out the new me and I know it can only get better. The thing with my identity I don't like is knowing people look at me and think "Oh look, there is that woman who had two little boys that passed away, she had to bury her first two boys, what a shame, such a pity". They look at me with sadness and sympathy and I don't like that. Yes what I have been through is tragic and no mother ever deserves it but I don't want to be pitied. I don't want people to whisper behind my back, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't like being known as "that woman" I much rather people see my strengths and what I am doing to try to help the perinatal loss community. Don't be sorry for what I went through, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so thankful for the 18 months I had with both my boys and the 2 days we got with Jacob. I'm not sorry it happened and I don't want others to be. Celebrate what we had, it's what we are doing.
3. One gift (of many I still have to discover) that Jacob gave me was the love of being pregnant. I'll admit being pregnant with Ty was hard. I was incredibly sick and had ever side effect known to the pregnant woman but with Jacob other then about a week of morning sickness, itchy skin and some sore muscles I LOVED every minute being pregnant with him. We were told I would not feel him move much, but like most things, he proved the doctors wrong with that. He was a mover and a shaker, his nickname became flipper because up until week 35, every time we went in for an ultrasound he had flipped his position. He was also big on kicking and punching. I loved it, I miss it so much.
4. The ups and downs. Anyone who has been through grief knows that there will be up days and there will be down days...sadly I don't know remember when the last up day I had was (other then the first day of Jacob's life) I don't think up days will come as easily this time around. I haven't had one since and I don't expect one to come anytime soon. Right down I am stuck in the downs....it's going to take a lot to have an up day, I don't see any in the near future. There is a lot going on this week, places I have to go and face my fears. I expect the only thing this week will bring are many many tears. We go back to church for the first time tomorrow, then we have a Remembering The Children ceremony (put on by Vic. Hospital once a year) and on Tuesday I think I am going to go to Mother's Group...so lots of firsts and lots of tears coming up. I just pray one day I will enjoy the things I use to. It took a while after Ty and I expect it to take even longer, if it happens at all.
5. How amazing my husband is. Seriously I can never say it enough, he is the best husband ever. A lot of people say that they see my strength but I would have none if it weren't for him. He is my everything, he gets me through. He makes me smile every day, he reminds me to laugh, he makes me yummy food and brings me treats on my hard days. He is so amazing awesome, I love him so much and am so thankful he is in my life. He is my world and without him I would not be. I am amazed at how much more we have fallen in love, how much more we have built a deeper connection through everything we have been through, we have come out together, stronger and with our heads held high. I get my strength from him, I get my motivation from him, I get my Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar from him on hard days and on really hard days I get my A&P chocolate cupcakes from him. He simply is the best and I appreciate everything he does for me. Love you hunny.
I hope I can sleep better tonight, tomorrow is going to be a rough day. Lots of crying I am sure......here is to facing the reality of our tragedy.