This weekend has been pretty productive, I've done a lot of thinking about what we want to do in the hospital, how we want to celebrate Matea's life and how it can make a difference for others (which will be combined with Memory Ty's). I manged to do well at Cheeky Monkey, my trick, tell them I am shopping for a gift so the questions are not directed towards me, it's not a lie, I am getting a gift....for Matea but I survived. I thought about what to get her for her casket and what kind of blanket I want her to have and the one I want us to keep. The outfit above is her burial outfit. They didn't have a lot of choice in micro preemie sizes, maybe she'll surprise all of us and be too big to wear it. But I chose it because the butterflies represents the spirits of our children, the pink hat because she is a total girlie girl and the long sleeve onesie because we live in a cold climate. I worried about with this with Ty and as a mother, it made me upset at first to think my little boy was so cold in the ground. I know he isn't physically there but I'm a mom, I worry about my children whether here or in Heaven. Anyways, I decided to get the outfit and the onesie and have my mom (G.G) knit her a blanket like she did for Ty and she will be wrapped in G.G's love and there is nothing warmer then a grandmothers love. I'm sure I will still think about her being cold, especially being so small. I also know where to run to in case it turns out Matea is not a girl like the doctors thought. I have to admit, it is really hard to pick out a burial outfit, nothing seems good enough. It has to be practical so I don't worry about her being so cold, but I also wanted it to be cute, because as a daughter of my husband and I, she would be cute.
I decided for her pictures at the hospital we want her in her birthday suit. I think it's so cute to see every little inch of a new baby, especially their cute little tushie. I also asked a friend if she could knit a Sweet Pea outfit to do some pictures in since before we knew Matea was a Matea we called her Sweet Pea. They also had a preemie dress I saw that I may still get so we can take even more pictures of her. All of this leads to something I am really struggling with, which I am pretty sure I have mentioned before, but it's really bothering me.....Guilt.
I have a lot of guilt that Matea will have so much more then Ty because we have all this time to prepare. People keep telling me "you did the best you could at the time" I know this but it does not take away the guilt. I feel she is getting so much more then Ty and in a sense she is, it just makes me wish we could go back and do things differently with him. I wish I didn't know what to do this time, I wish I didn't have to do it this time. The guilt is eating me up, I don't want to miss out on anything for Matea and I'm still trying to do things for Ty. No one said grieving was easy but grief for two children at once, one who has passed one who will pass, it is so hard, so upsetting, so angering, so unfair. Everything I am doing for Matea I want to do for Ty, something I can some things I can't. I feel guilty for things I can't do for him.
I woke up in the morning feeling hope. I woke up and noticed I was a lot more bloated and FINALLY gained another pound, maybe all this drinking water and resting when I can is making a difference? It's all I can pray for. At least I know it isn't hurting her. I really hope on Tuesday when we visit the OB she'll see a bit of fluid, just a little bit for now and we'll work on getting more. It won't change the fact she doesn't have kidneys, unless they too by the grace of good appear. Our OB is going to do an ultrasound so we can see her and get a good picture and try to confirm it is a her. We are also going to record her heartbeat for her weighed teddy bear. I made a weighed teddy bear for Ty (4lbs 7oz) and love it! I do find it a bit sad that my children are represented by weighed teddy bears but it's something that gives me comfort.
The weather has finally cooled down and it has rained (my plants are very happy) it puts me in the mood to do a spring cleaning, after we lost Ty I did the same thing. I just cleaned and cleaned and got rid of stuff and I'm already in the mood to do the same.It just makes me realize that material objects are worthless, unless it's related to memories of my children. Nothing seems worth it, I would give everything away to have my children in my arms again. Nothing is as precious as a life.
I've discovered in addition to Queso, Matea loves showers. I'll just stand in the shower and let the water fall down and she kicks away as happy as can be. She also likes spicy chicken wings. It still amazes me how much this pregnancy is different then from my one with Ty, it makes me realize they are so different, they each have their own personalities. I just wish I could watch them grow, here on earth instead of them watching me grow from Heaven. I know I am not the only one in the world who is living with recurrent pregnancy loss, but it seems most people have their losses well before full term, how many moms have to bury more then one child? I wish no mother had to go through more then one loss, let alone bury more then one child. The good thing to think about is that despite everything, Matea will only know love and comfort and happiness. I have to remember this and continue to pray that the doctors are wrong, that God will heal our little girl and that she will live. It is what I am holding onto right now.