I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things that my mind is so clustered at the moment. This last week has been especially difficult for me emotionally. Stephen has be gone a lot and I'm not use to that. He is my rock, he keeps me level headed and when he is not around I struggle. Thankfully my mom was up for a few days so it wasn't horrible but here I sit sending him off again for a few days. The week I really need him to be here for my sanity he has to be gone. It is going to be a tough week mentally, physically and emotionally. It's gotten to the overwhelming point so much so that last night we attempted to go to Ribfest and I only lasted about 15 minutes (enough time to grab some food, sit down and eat a bit but then we had to leave. It was really too much for me. I think this week the best idea is to bunker down in the house after work as anything after 5pm is a no go for me. There is the exception of Wednesday night. If Stephen is in town we will go to the Bereaved Families meeting and I really hope he is because I need to go. I need to see the people who can understand my pain and agony.
So many people say that things should be getting better because we are pregnant again and this time it will work out and to be honest that pisses me off when people say that. For one thing, you cannot guarantee this baby will make it and quite frankly after two losses I'm doubtful Bee will be our keeper. You have no hand in making sure Bee makes it here, you aren't God and you aren't a doctor so no, you don't know it will work out. Secondly, it doesn't matter if I am pregnant again, what matters if the fact that I should have two little boys running around causing chaos in this house. Life will never be the same, there will always be two pieces of my heart forever gone. Being pregnant again does not change the fact that we lost Ty and Jacob. It does not change the fact that I hurt so much over losing them still. It does not change the fact that I may lose this one too. It means nothing other then we are being given another shot at what is so easy to others that we struggle with. There are no guarantees and this baby will never replace Ty or Jacob so no it doesn't make anything better.
I've also been thinking a lot about Jacobs situation and how we would have done a few things differently. There were some things we wanted to do but as per our doctors suggestions we didn't and I regret not doing them. I don't know if it would have made a huge difference but it is a guilt and regret I live with and always will. It's part of the what if's. But one thing I can't stop thinking about that does anger me a little is the fact that Stephen and I really wanted to donate parts of Jacob to help other babies live. We were told this could not happen, there was too much liability and that babies don't "share" their parts with other babies to help them live. This in fact was a lie. This does happen, it happens more often then some may think. There have been cases where babies who are dying can give their heart or valves or arteries or whatever to other babies to help them heal and live. We wanted to do this, we wanted this to be Jacob's gift. Jacob had a perfectly normal heart, it was healthy and strong. His heart was not the issue and his heart could have saved a baby whose heart was not as good or as strong. But we were told no. I think in our case the doctors just didn't want to deal with it (and I'm not talking our OB, it was the neonats) A few months after Jacob passed away I finally received a response from the organ donor organization and was told that yes, donating baby parts to help other babies happens all the time and it is very much needed. It broke my heart to get that email. Just because of some lazy neonat at our hospital another baby probably died because he/she didn't get the heart or valves they so desperately needed and yet here was our Jacob who had perfectly good parts in him (minus lungs and kidneys) that could have helped save a life but wasn't given the chance. Yes we realized the repercussions this would have caused us, a trip to Toronto for sure, pulling Jacob off life support before we did, we were ready for that. We were ready for Jacob to breathe life into another child, to mend the hearts of a hurting couple who was standing by watching their baby die so helplessly. We were that couple but we knew our Jacob, no matter what was done, would not make it and all we wanted was to help another baby.
It pisses me off so much that the one neonat kept telling us no. It's the same one we feel did something to quicken Jacob's death (trust me there is a lot of reasons we feel that but we know going after it won't bring Jacob back) I'll share one huge one with you. On Jacob's first day of life he was breathing and he was trying to breathe on his own while he was on the ventilator so they had to sedate him so he would stop fighting it. They gave him some medication which he responded horribly to, he crashed. They brought him back but he was never the same after that. We were told to our face that he would never again be given that medication and taking the doctors words we believed him. When we got Jacob's medical reports back we saw that a few hours before he had passed this doctor decided to give him that medication again, even knowing how it caused him to react the first time. Had Stephen and I known this we wouldn't have pulled his life support so quickly. He again, took a dive because of this medicine. Yes we know Jacob was a sick little boy, yes we know that he probably wouldn't have lived much longer but that does not negate from the fact that we were told he would NOT be given this medication and he was.
But still, that doesn't change the fact that he could have helped another baby but because of some lazy neonat who just didn't want to deal with all the arrangements we were told no. Did he not think we'd find out? Did he not think I wouldn't contact the organ donation place. I now know that it is indeed very possible to donate baby parts to help another baby and it really upsets me that we didn't have the chance. We could have helped and we were more then willing to help (we asked at 18 weeks when we initially found out and kept asking but were always met with no's from the neonats) it's what we wanted to do even knowing that meant Jacob would have to be cut open and parts would be taken from him. For this reason we were okay with that. It if could help save another babies life we were on board. But it is too late, the damage that was done has been done. Again, it's just another guilt and regret I have to live with. It just has really been on my mind lately. I think part of the reason is because I have not accepted Jacob's death, I have not come to terms with it like I have with Ty's. I am looking for answers, for reasons, for closure but I think with Jacob's death I will never get it. I will always search for meaning because I do not get it. I do not get why our second son had to be taken from us as well. I wanted his little life to have purpose and many have told us that our journey with him taught them a lot and that is great and all but I need to know Jacob's purpose. I need to know why we had to go through everything we did with him. Of course we do not regret that part one bit, we'd do it all over again but I am praying to God we don't ever have to deal with that again and that we will have one pregnancy that ends in a healthy, living, breathing baby. It is what we need right now, our hearts and our empty arms need it.
The last week has been tough but I know this next week will bring about a whole set of new emotions as we sit and wait to hear the fate of this baby. To know if we will have to yet again, reserve a plot, plan a funeral, take all the pictures we can because those will be the only memories. One week until we find out if this baby will follow in Jacob's footsteps or if we will be blessed with a perfectly healthy baby (as of right now, we know anything can go wrong, there's a whole slew of things at 18 weeks that we won't know next week) but one step at a time. If there are kidneys and fluid that is a step in the right direction and yes two weeks later our world could come crashing down again but for now we focus on our next goal, it just happens to be an incredibly large one for us. It is all I can handle right now, I need to focus on Tuesday (the 14th) and no where beyond that. My mind is so clustered with so many thoughts and emotions. It is going to be a very tough week in the our household.