Yesterday was a hard day emotionally. For some reason it hit me that this is really happening. I don't know what made me think about it but it was on my mind all day. It makes me very anxious and panicky. It scares me to know what is coming. As much as I have hope and faith, I saw the ultrasound, Matea's arteries to her kidneys hadn't even developed, albeit a miracle from God, she will not make it. She is not going to make it. I am so scared for her, I do not want her to suffer. The doctors reassured us that she wouldn't, they could give her things to make her comfortable, but to know that if she is born living she will die in our arms. That is a such scary thought, how many people have held someone while they died, let alone their newborn daughter? I can't even imagine how that is going to make us feel. The thought scares me to death. This whole experience is making us face death yet again. With Ty it was so quick and sudden we weren't really thinking about death, but now with our little girl, we have months with death looming in our face, really makes you think about a lot of things. I'm scared for this whole experience, part of me doesn't want to face it but I have no choice but to face it now. One way or another she is coming out and hopefully she is born living. We want some time with her living, but then the downside of that is she will die in our arms, we will watch our daughter die. It's so hard to think about that. I don't know if it's easier not to know like it was with Ty, or to know. I mean we can prepare and enjoy her as much as we can while we have her but then to know what will inevitably happen after she is born (unless God steps in and performs a miracle) makes me so scared. Was it right of us to continue? I mean really, it was never an option, we knew we would never terminate but I'm so scared and angry. I never had anger with Ty, but this time I am so angry. I just want to know why? Will we ever have a living child of our own? Why do we have to loose her too? I do not like to think about what will happen in 16 weeks from now, or less. I do look forward to getting to meet our little girl and praying we have some time with her, but the thought of her dying in our arms and seeing that....I don't know if I can do that part. The good thing to know is that like Ty, Matea will only know love and comfort and happiness, she will never experience pain or loss or sorrow. It makes me sad that when I feel her kick I know those sweet little feet will never feel the cool sand on a hot day at the beach, she will never run barefoot through the freshly cut grass, she will never jump in puddles, all those sweet little feet will know are mommy and daddy kisses.
I think one thing that scares me so much is I read horror stories of babies who were really small and delicate being born...how should I put this...not whole. If it comes down to it, if Matea is breech or showing signs of struggle we are going to do the c-section. Some people may think that's pointless when it doesn't change the outcome but if it gives us more time with our daughter and she is born whole we will take that chance. Giving birth to her will already be a very hard time. I did love giving birth to Ty and I pray we get the same experience with Matea. There's just so much to think of, so much to be afraid of, I hope over the next few months I can find peace in the whole process we will have to go through. I want to celebrate and enjoy, smile and love but it is so hard knowing we will have to hold our dying little girl in our arms. It really scares me.
We meet with our OB next Tuesday to check on Matea, she said she would do an ultrasound so we could get some pictures and record her heartbeat for her teddy bear. I also have a lot of questions about continuing the pregnancy and how that will go. I am praying with everything that I have done there is a bit of fluid for her to move around in so she's not so confined. I hope she is still doing well.
We have our bereaved families meeting tonight. I am really looking forward to it, our second family who offer so much support and love and not to mention Skor doughnuts tonight. I am so glad and so lucky we have found them. There is something special about being around people who just get it, which is why this time is harder, no one has been through this (I mean they have) but it is so rare we really are alone. I am just really thankful for our angel family.
Today will be another hard day, I didn't really sleep and I cannot stop thinking about what is happening, what is about to happen in the next few months. It is very scary, I don't want to do it but I know I have to.