I am very thankful to have a group of people here in my angel community who get it. There's something about being around them that gives me comfort, even during hard times we can laugh. I always sleep better the night of our meetings. To have them acknowledge Ty and Matea and use their names and talk about them is very special. It makes me a proud mama.Needless to say it also got me thinking a lot more. Something that has been really bothering me, how could every other organ in her body grow and be so perfect except her kidneys? I don’t get it, everything is perfect except her kidneys did not grow, how did that happen? Usually there are other things (organs) that don’t grow well either and have problems but Matea is a perfectly healthy little girl minus the fact she doesn’t have kidneys, how is that possible? No one has answers, no one can explain what causes kidneys not to grow but for everything else to grow. The only thing discovered is that sometimes when a parents has a malformed kidney, or a kidney that has stopped working well overtime that it may lead to kidney malformations in a baby, but not to not grow at all. Especially not both of the kidneys not to grow, how does that happen? What went wrong? Why can't they still grow? Aren't babies always growing and changing? Maybe her kidneys will still grow, somehow...a miracle from God perhaps?
I've seemed to notice that when I get up in the morning my tummy is rather small but as the day goes on and I drink lots of fluid it seems to puff out, I wonder if I am getting fluids to her? I'll have to ask the doctor, either way I won't stop, I will keep doing it with hope and faith that it is doing something. They told us that I won't get much bigger because everything is on the smaller side due to the lack of fluid and well, the lack of fluid. I'm hoping I get a bit bigger because I love my tummy and want to show it off, well some days, some days I just want to hide it so I don't have to explain everything. Like today, I plan on going to Cheeky Monkey and Sears to look for preemie clothes for Matea since she will be born small, or so they have said. I do not look forward to the conversation at the stores about why I am buying preemie clothes and then being asked is this your first and every other related pregnancy question that everyone asks. I hope they just keep quiet and let me do my own thing. I just don't feel strong today. It's all still such a shock, it has not set in yet and maybe it won't until we have her in our arms.
I mentioned last night that I feel a lot of guilt that Matea will have so many more memories then Ty because we know we are going to loose her. It won't stop us from doing anything but the guilt is there. I don't like that we know what to do, there were so many things we didn't do with Ty that we wished we had and I don't like having the chance to do it this time. I wish we never had the chance to do things right the second time, not when it comes to loosing a child. It isn't fair.
I decided to take time off work, I simply could not go back. The emotional and physical toll grieving takes on your body is hard to deal with, the sleepless nights, not the best eating habits, the hardship in finding any joy left in life, just thinking and feeling and everything, it really exhausts you to the bones. Not only that, this is our only time with Matea and I want to take every minute to enjoy it and celebrate it with her. If there is any chance of making a difference then rest and fluids are the only thing that will help if it is possible. On top of knowing we are loosing Matea we are still grieving the loss of our son, two different griefs, two different babies, all at one time. How does one deal? It is a very hard road, one we wish we did not have to take but one we are very thankful we have each other to lean on for.