My husband said something very interesting to me the other day and it has been on my mind ever since. We were talking about the baby and our situation (like we have a life other then that right now) but he said, with our son Ty every test we had showed he was perfectly okay, test after test didn't show any indication there was anything wrong and we ended up loosing him. This time, every test has shown some unknowns, they have shown indications that the baby may not survive so wouldn't it be nice it if was opposite and this baby did survive? Well of course it would be nice, it would be a miracle, only God can give us a miracle baby. I have been praying for him to continue healing our baby. I hope when we go in next Wednesday there is even more fluid so that will indicate the kidneys are most likely functioning at capacity and it'll be one less thing to worry about. Of course the main concern is still the lungs and I pray that when the baby is born he/she is born screaming and crying as they told us it is a good indication that the lung status is not severe. Of course they also said if the baby comes out and doesn't make any noises it doesn't necessarily mean anything either. I think we are going to ask the doctor to have me admitted at 30 weeks (next week after our Josh Groban concert) I want the baby to be monitored, especially at night which is when we are almost certain we lost Ty. Wednesday seems so long away. One week ahhh!!! How am I going to stay sane? It's good I have distractions (my parents) here this weekend until Monday that will make the time go by faster and there's always church and my favourite day Sunday and an animal adoption fundraiser Saturday and maybe even some open houses...who knows??? It's just getting through Thursday and Friday. Friday night my husband is running a 5K so I'll be busy cheering him on. I also set up the bassinet and prayed I don't need to put it away for a third time anytime soon! We have to get a piece of wood to put under the mattress for the breathing sensor. If our baby is born living and survives I am going to be a nut case about germs because I know I am going to worry about the lungs. I know I'm also going to be terrified when the baby is sleeping but hopefully the monitor gives me a bit more piece of mind. We did set the bassinet up right beside our bed so I'll be right next to the baby but he/she won't be in bed with us.
I really think I am starting to get BH contractions. It just feels like growing pain more then BH sometimes though. It could be pain from the stretch marks too or because I hurt my lower back. This is why I just need to be in the hospital I am going to freak over every little thing. I won't ever be able to rest thinking something is wrong.
I'm starting to get the final things together in case I do have to go to the hospital. We went and talked about life insurance today. We had talked about it with Ty but since he went to Heaven we decided to wait and now knowing our baby may live, it'll be a good idea to have. We also got another piece of board to put in the bassinet to keep the sensor pad sturdy. Were just taking care of the safety things for the baby right now, everything else will have to wait. I just cannot get it all back out only to have to put it away again. I asked God to not make me put the bassinet away anytime soon, praying we'd need it. I did pack a baby bag for the hospital now that we know we may need it.
Something interesting I keep thinking about. My husband was born two months premature due to a severe infection and they did not expect him to live through the night but obviously he did and is here now and is a perfect example of a miracle. I only pray God continues miracles in our family. I think it would be so nice to have a family of living miracles. Like father like son or daughter. I'd be okay with that!
I wish I could camp out at the cemetery. I find so much peace being there. I just love to sit in the cool sunny weather under a tree looking at Ty's grave and rubbing my belly. It's the same kind of peace I feel being in church. I just feel so...relaxed and relieved.
I know this post is all over the place but that is where my brain is at today. I am exhausted, I'll probably take a nap before the hubbie gets home with a dinner surprise. But I just feel so all over the place. I think I've felt every emotion ever today. When we went to talk about life insurance my husband told them our story, only he could go that in depth. I was fine with it since he was talking about it but it is tiring to think about all we have been through, how have we survived? Tomorrow is also an important day in our grieving and the blog will be dedicated to that. I just feel so out of it today, all over the place, worrying...ahhhh.....
Sweet Pea has been taking my breath away lately. Literally, pushing on my lungs and my chin chunk is making it hard to breath. My hips have also been getting worse, hurting during the day now too but it is all worth it. To know we even have a slight chance to bring our baby home (though we think there's a greater chance then they told us) it is all worth it. Even if we only get a few moments, it is all worth it. But now I must go my eyes are closing....