As I was sitting and connecting with the boys and God at my new favourite spot in London, a little boy (maybe 3 or 4) came to play with his dad at the playground. I could hear them talking every once in a while and one time it caught my ear. The dad was explaining to the little boy how to play tic tac toe (x's and o's) and it made me teary eyed because Stephen will never have that chance with Ty or Jacob. He will never get to go to that playground with his little boys and teach them all about tic tac toe. I kind of stopped listening after they started playing until I heard the little boy crying and wondered what had happened. His dad was yelling at him to stop being such a baby (I think the dad beat him at tic tac toe and the little boy was upset) great parenting skills yelling at your 3 year old to stop crying like a baby....the little boy did not want to play anymore but his dad was making him, again I was thinking, seriously? You made your kid cry now your yelling at him to stop acting like a baby and forcing him to play a game he doesn't want too. I don't agree with that but the dad wanted the little boy to play again so he could let the little boy win...a small ounce of respect came back...but most of it was gone when he was yelling at him to stop acting like a baby. Why do parents who don't appreciate their children get to have them? The world is so unfair. Sitting there hearing that lead me to think of all the things Ty and Jacob will never get to do. There are far to many to list, in fact the list would never end. Every time I see a little boy it always makes me realize Ty and Jacob will never get to do that...They will never get to enjoy the beauty of fall, the sunny bright skies with the cool bitter air....it breaks my heart
At least Charlie and Milo keep us entertained. Speaking of Charlie, he thought it would be fun to run through the paint in the bedroom and then jump all over the curtains and bed leaving little white kitty feet prints everywhere. It was kind of funny to watch and even more funny when we had to clean him. He sure did not like getting washed down to get all the paint off of him, he was whining the whole time. In fact until about 2 hours ago when we finally got him down to take a nap (now I'm sounding like he's a kid but seriously sometimes he acts like it) he was whinny all day long. He would just not stop, he had a very rough day and he is peacefully sleeping now. He really does act like a 2 year old sometimes with his terrible two's tantrums and what have you. All we can do is laugh because it is hilarious, except when it begins at 5am and he does not stop until 3pm....long day for mommy and daddy.
Its been two months since we said hello and goodbye to Jacob. These last two months have gone by a lot quicker then the first two months after loosing Ty. I don't know where the time is going, in one sense I like that because we have big plans for next year, but in another.....I want to go back and do it all over again. I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him everything will be okay and have it actually be okay. It'll be 9 weeks Monday since he was born and I think back to the first 9 weeks after Ty.....my how they are so very different. This time around I am still struggling with getting out of bed everyday. I manage to take showers but they usually aren't until the afternoon and I only take them sometimes because I have exercised and if I didn't shower Stephen would make me sleep outside on the porch. I don't seem to have much of an appetite...I have to force myself to eat sometimes. The only things I find joy in are going to see the boys and exercising outside (which starting this week may not be happening anymore because of the weather) and sitting on top of my new favourite place. I'll have to think of a name to call it....maybe peace hill....it's very fitting.
As I am sitting here writing this looking outside I see that the black mold in the windows has started to creep further down. It's a good thing we have the air purifier on. I can't clean it because the top windows are painted shut and my arms are not long enough to reach up there. I can only pray it stays high up until we get into a house. So here's to hoping it can stay up there for at least a year. As much as we have our heart set on getting into a house soon, mainly for our health, because Stephen and I have spent pretty much the last year mourning our boys I don't think it will happen as soon as we would like it too. I'd say it'll happen when we win the lottery but in order to win you have to play and we don't....instead we have to work hard towards that goal but right now neither of us has the strength to do much more then the basic functioning of everyday life. I just wish God would start to give us some breaks in life, we sure could use some help right now. Here's to another day down...