Today I officially threw the towel in. I simply cannot do it today. It's definitely a down day and a very bad one at that. There are reasons, some I can't go into details about but I will say, the Canadian Government royally screwed me over and now Stephen and I are left SOL thanks to them messing up and not cooperating to fix their mistake. They messed up big time financially for us and we are so screwed now. No matter how hard we try to get back on our feet, there are people out there who refuse to let us (and by people I completely mean the Canadian Government) I don't know what they have against people who are honestly trying to get back on their feet, who are doing everything in their power to become self sufficient, it's like they only help those who choose to smoke, drink and do drugs instead of trying to better themselves and I'm so sick of it. They have done a horrific job at helping us deal with our losses and we knew we could not rely on them so instead we tried to pick up our feet and get going again but this latest blow does it. I have had it with them and I'd like to call and speak with someone but ohhh guess what, you can't ever get in touch with them because they are ALWAYS "experiencing higher than normal phone calls" Oh here's an idea, why don't you hire more of your Canadian citizens who are out of work because of you and get more people to be answering calls.
I some how lucked out after an hour on hold to get in touch with someone who told me he's pass my case a long and that I'd be contacted and only they can contact me, I can't contact these "people" he said it could take a week and if I don't hear by tomorrow I am calling back and demanding to speak with someone and I don't care if they red flag my file, they f'ed up big time and it has caused Stephen and I a huge blow because of a mistake they made, they need to figure this out asap, straighten their shit out and give us the money they owe us. I've tried to be patient, I've tried to speak with them in a calm matter, I have called 5 times in the last two months to make sure everything was in place and I was reassured that it was so to my surprise, when I received the letter I got today it set me off. I've had it, I can't deal with this anymore. I'm trying so hard everyday, finances are so tight but I fear if I throw myself back into work full time it's going to be a disaster, I know mentally it will be a disaster. But it seems I have no choice, whether I am mentally, emotionally and physically ready to go back does not matter. It wouldn't be such a huge deal if the Canadian Government didn't f'up big this time. But they did, and now we are so screwed because of their mistake. You would think because it was their mistake they'd fix it right away but no, I can see this taking many months and messing up our finances even more. Money is the biggest stressor and we know we have to be on a budget, we have altered our living to fit our budget but every thing we did to reduce our budget bit us in the ass and ended up costing us more in the end, how that even makes sense I don't know.
I do know the government messed up big time and it has caused a tremendous amount of stress to me today, so much that I am sick to my stomach, I've been crying my eyes out not knowing how we are now going to survive, I don't know what our next step is. We try so hard, we've been trying so hard to stay a float, one foot ahead of the other but it seems we always hit obstacles that just push us back. I really do not know what to do now. I am in no way ready to go back to work full time (going back part time is in the plans, hopefully within the next two weeks) but see the thing is, that just messed up finances even more so I really am at a loss as of what to do. I really wish that after we lost Jacob, as per someones suggestion, we had a fundraiser to help pay for bills, to help keep us on our feet because Lord knows we need it. Our goals and dreams of moving into a house have diminished, we will never get there, we are struggling just to get back on our feet. Yet, we are the honest people, the ones who do try, the ones who only really temporarily need help and yet we are the ones who can't get it. Though, the Canadian government seems to think it's still perfectly okay to royally screw us over, even after all we gave been through, to mess with us even more, cause more stress and fear, they seem to think it's okay to make mistakes and not fix them, especially not in a timely manner.
So on days like today, I am officially throwing the towel in on life. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I struggle to make ends meet and for us to get back on our feet, the Canadian government will always be there to make sure we can never fully come out of this. I will now be going to bed and sleeping the rest of the day away because I don't know what else to do.