I wish my thyroid would get better, this exhaustion is killing me! I hate that I can barely do anything because I can't keep my eyes open and my poor toes....they are so very cold. It's like I have ice cubes in my socks. I have to double sock and double slipper it and that just does enough, barely, but it does work a bit. Yes I have 4 layers of stuff on my feet and they still manage to feel like I live in a Tundra of cold. I bet polar bears have warmer feet then I do. Well no, they have paws so not cold like my feet. Any who, even though it has been whacky I still seem to be loosing some weight. Right now I'm at about a pound every week and a half so I hope once my thyroid decides to work it'll be a bit more then that. I did give in and buy a few new shirts because in order to feel better I need to look nice and wearing Stephen's shirts, as much as I love him and like how comfy his shirts are, they are doing nothing for my....whats the word...self confidence (thanks mom). So I bought some bigger girly shirts and to be completely honest I know I will NEVER fit into an xs again and a small will be pushing it because of my ladies....I have some issues with my ladies..
One, finding a bra is impossible, they do not make them in my size, I have a big cup size but a small band size...yeah good luck with that and chances are, if I do luck out and find one they are either black, white or beige...no one feels sexy in a beige bra. It's not like I come home, get naked for my husband and he's like ohhhhh beige...so sexy, no it's like oh, plain boring 80 year old. I spend hours in Kohl's looking for one bra, just one to wear that fits right and is comfortable but I leave with nothing. On the very rare occasion I may find one but it's like $75....I can't justify spending that much on something that just hangs and no one but me and my husband can even see it.
The other issue, tops. I have a hard time finding tops that fit and I have come to the conclusion and realization that mediums are probably what I will be wearing from now on. I'm okay with the fact I have to wear medium tops (though I HATE shopping and am not fond of the idea of having to go buy new ones) but it's what I have to live with. If I get small tops, which fit very nicely around my waist, they do not fit well length wise because my boobs stick out so far and it pulls the fabric up so then you can see my belly. My belly gets cold! I wonder why they don't make adult onesies. Honestly, do they think adults don't have cold bellies? Well this one right here does! I want to make one, maybe I will. I'll get a long t-shirt and some buttons and make my own. I know I am a grumpy guss if my belly is cold. Now that that random tangent is out of the way....so yes, medium shirts from now one because I will simply never fit into my xs or small again thanks to my ladies.
Emotional wise lately I have been okay. Not great, not horrible but okay. I think my meds have settled into my system because I am starting to feel the anxiety creep back up but not as bad. I think once I get in to see someone and go to some infant loss groups to talk I'll be able to handle it better. I'm still on the lowest dose possible and don't want to go up because of all the side effects I am still having....it's like I'm pregnant but I'm not (trust me I am NOT) I am nauseous, exhausted, my brain has left it's residence and I'm so foggy. I'm hoping with time and effort I can manage those better, at least the brain part. Pregnancy brain followed by grief brain which is followed by a vacationing brain...it makes life funny for Stephen a lot. We have some good laughs at my expense. But really, sometimes I do silly things...I can't remember any of them but I know I am clumsy, sometimes things I say make no sense or sometimes things I do are quite hilarious.....but at least I can laugh at myself too. Laughing is good for the soul and I think it's one reason I am still able to manage. Laughter really is good medicine and in our household we have days filled with laughter. We are goofy dorks who happen to have entertaining cats as well. If you never need a laugh just stop on by the Nelles household.
;'[\;'\\' Charlie says Hi. He is demanding cuddles so I will continue this random and off track blog at a later date....by the by, tomorrow marks another HUGE step in the grieving process for Stephen and I but that will be in the blog for tomorrow!