Today has been one of those days where I feel like throwing in the towel on life. You know the saying, when it rains, it pours? Well it's been pouring for 18 months and quite frankly, I am done trying to fight it. A friend sent me a card a few months ago with the quote " If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm" - Frank Lane. Stephen and I have been weathering the storm for 18 months now, we have put in our time and are ready for the sunshine. It just seems like there is no end in sight. I can't stop thinking about that quote (there is actually a few I find very fitting) I try to recognize that we have been blessed through our struggles because we have but when the big things aren't positive it is hard to view them as a blessing. We have and continue to dance through the rain and along the way we have tried our hardest to bring out the sunshine but it seems someone out there is always after us. It's always something. We struggle with things most people deal with, fiances and jobs but it wasn't our choice to be in those situations and we have done our hardest, worked our butts off to try and fix those things in our life, but as we know, this world is unfair.
We tried to cut back on bills so we cancelled services (of which we never signed a contract for) and got hit with huge penalties. Penalties that have been illegally sent our way because big brother Rogers can do what they want. They have a monopoly. There is no way to fight them, there is no way to dispute the charges because they will just report us for not paying our entire bill. We have fought tooth and nail with the Canadian government to have at least one month of credit's count since Jacob did live and we should qualify. We have dealt with their harshness telling us Jacob didn't exist to them (which I find a bit funny because they sent them in the first place because he did exist) Again this has just fueled my fire to make Canada pass a Child Death Benefit. We had no control over these things happening to us, we have been trying to balance out our lives, make wrongs right, pay off debt, get back on our feet but every time we try we are hit with resistance. I do not see how we can ever get out of where we are.
Stephen was passed over for the property manager job. The first person they offered it to turned it down, they didn't have anyone in mind. They like Stephen, they like his work but yet they passed over him. We have no idea what the future holds, how much longer they will keep paying him. We've been told September-October, who knows what our future holds after that. The blessing in that is, he will have enough EI hours but to go through all that BS again....we don't want too. I have no idea what is going on with my work. Right now I am not in the place to be able to go back. I have a lot to work through and a lot to think about and I feel pressured to suck it up and go back but I can't. The issues with me going back to work is that if Stephen and I get pregnant anytime soon (or wanted to adopt) I have no choice but to go back because I need my 600 hours for EI Mat leave. I will be forced to go back before I am ready and that will be a disaster. I have fought with EI to have my hours from before count, even if only half of the 600 count. We aren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't with Ty and Jacob either so we just need to be prepared.
I have run into countless issues with agencies that help those struggling. They only help people who make nothing, they don't help anyone who even makes a little. They only help people on welfare (the people who don't do anything to better themselves just use taxpayers money) no, they wouldn't help my husband when he was trying to better himself, when he was willing to take courses and look for a career. Because we had an income, even though it has been very small, they won't help. That leaves us in a category of being screwed. No one will help us. Thankfully, we have amazing parents (my mom and dad and Stephens dad) who have helped us get pay cheque to pay cheque. But other than them, there is no one. We are alone, hung out to dry from circumstances we had nothing to do with. We have had to fight to bring ourselves back to ground level but we keep being pushed back down.
There are a few more things than the above going on, big things, that add to all the stress but I cannot talk about them. One, not until I find out what is going on and the other, probably not until it happens. But there is a lot going on and we are honestly trying our hardest to stay above and do this ourselves because that's the only option we have, but it is a struggle. Nothing in life comes easily and we know that all too well. It just gets exhausting. Stephen has been sick with a cold and is now very run down. I was doing well (he's been sick for a week) but due to all the stress I am not getting sick as well. We are both tired, not sleeping, not knowing what to do next and just taking life as it comes. We try to look at all the blessings because all the negative stuff is overwhelming.
I guess all we can keep doing is dancing through the rain, weathering the storm because that is our life and that is how we have to learn to live. There is no sunshine and no matter how hard we try, we can't do anything to bring sunshine. We are stuck in the mud and the forecast is cloudy with more rain. I guess it's a good thing I have rain boots and a cute umbrella because I am strapped down and ready to deal with more rain. I want to give up, but I can't. I feel like throwing in the towel, but I can't. I don't see the problem with staying at home and becoming a permanent hermit, heck, these days I can order anything from online.....the problem lies in money. Doesn't it always seem to be about money? People who have a lot are unhappy, people who have little are unhappy.....all we ask is that we can be the people in the middle who have enough to get by but also be happy. I can only pray that things start to turn around for us. I know they don't have to and I know they probably won't but I have to have hope. If I don't have hope, I have nothing.
P.S. Stephen has a sinus and ear infection, don't even get me started on how much anti-biotics are when not covered by insurance....well in all honesty generic brands probably aren't as bad as the one the hubs had to get but he needed the horse pills to knock out his illness. He needs to get better so he can start taking care of me again!