I often find people ask Stephen and I how we are doing, it seems to be the #1 question we are asked. Surprisingly, the #2 question I am often asked is "have you gone back to work yet". I find it a bit odd, maybe because some people fear my response when asked "how are you doing" so instead they ask something less meaningful. It seems to be the question I have been asked a lot lately and I guess most people think after burying my two little boys I should be ready to go back to work. I think people often forget, or perhaps, don't realize how life changing and tragic loosing a child is and don't forget I lost two. So add all the pain and sorrow and times it by two. I am no where near ready to go back to work. I am still working on getting out of bed each day, forcing myself to eat and not being a couch potato and most times I do get around to showering eventually. A sink full of dishes stresses me out these days, I have broken a lot of glassware with my clumsiness, I am no way ready to be responsible for such important things. My brain is fogged with so many emotions, thoughts, ideas I can't keep anything straight and as far as remembering things..pppfftt that's gone out the window. These are all things I have to work on and I am.
Stephen went back to work today at his new job and I am so nervous for him but also for me ( I did not sleep last night) This is a HUGE change for me. We have been together everyday since May 2nd. It's a miracle we haven't got sick of each other. But that is a huge change and I have to learn to deal with that and how to make sure I get myself out of bed each day since he is not here to do it. I have to get use to him not being here helping me when I have my meltdowns or if something goes wrong I can't blow a gasket and totally loose it. I haven't been able to do that yet, I get very frustrated at the easiest things and it sets me off into a downward spiral. The issue with this job Stephen has is he needs the car most of the time which really dampens my ability to push myself to get out and do things on my own. Not only that, but I have appointments I have to go to so he has to talk to them today. I've only taken the bus once in my life and now is NOT the time for me to learn. Even thinking about it sets me off into an anxiety attack so we'll have to figure something out. I am still praying he gets this other job he really wants. I think I would feel better then. But for now my goal is to make it through today. I have my list of things to do and we'll see how it goes. It may go well for a week or two but it also may be a struggle. I can only wait and see what each day brings.
I am very upset with Jacob's birth certificate. I called today and asked about where it was because we never received one and they told us they had sent it and we signed for it back in October so I went and got the sheet they sent us and it says statement of live birth, but the thing that really upsets me is at the top of his birth statement it says in big, black, bold letters DEATH CERTIFICATE ON FILE. I asked the lady on the phone today if we could get a little blue one because I do not want to see DEATH CERTIFICATE every time I look at his birth certificate. I just want to see his birth information but she said because he had passed away they won't issue one. I am not happy and want to call back and speak with a supervisor. That is so unfair to us, the one piece of proof we have that Jacob did exist also states he died. Trust me Ontario Government I know my son died you idiots but I'd like something also showed HE LIVED. Why do I get denied that?
I had to make another unhappy call today as well to Paypal. I have been dealing with that headache since April so I finally called and spoke to someone who understood what I was trying to say (this is why I hate when companies send their customer service departments to other countries, it just pisses me off more when people don't understand what I am trying to say and I can't understand them, especially since this has been going on since April) Anyways, I finally spoke to someone who was able to change my account, I signed up as a business accidentally thinking, if I wanted to sell things that's how I would do it. Well they asked me what the business was all about and I said the money is going to charity so they thought I was a non-profit and I needed papers to prove I was legit and I explained over numerous phone calls and email that I wasn't and wouldn't be but no one every understood me and they kept sending me emails saying I needed to submit forms but they weren't understanding so I was so incredibly thankful to Jim on the phone today who changed my account and put in a note with the compliance department to lift the limitation. Because of all this shit I had to remove the Memory Ty's website and now have to re-do it all, but don't worry, it will be back and better! I am going to start making things to sell on there and put whatever profit I get into our little donation service we have going to help perinatal loss families. I'll post the link when it is up and running and I have things to sell. I'm excited about it. SO be on the look out for that.
Okay time to get day one by myself down...let's see how this goes....