Each new day seems to bring more tears. It's the littlest things that set me off. I had total meltdown #3 last night. It came on with a fury and lasted for quite sometime and my heart just broke. I felt the depth of my broken heart in such an incredible amount of pain. We were watching Criminal Minds and towards the end of the show Agent Rossi was taking to his ex-wife, she was diagnosed with ALS and wanted to kill herself. He got there too late, she had already taken a bottle of pills and as he was sitting on the bed holding her she said "do you think I will see him there?" and he responded "I know you will". I had a feeling they were referring to a son they had that had passed away, I just didn't know at what age. Well the last scene of the show was of Agent Rossi sitting by his wife's grave having a picnic and as it was fading out the camera moved over to another headstone right beside his wife's. It was of there son, born and died on the same day.....I absolutely lost it. I don't know if that meant their son was stillborn or died on the day he was born but I do know how it feels in both of those situations (though Jacob lived two days) and it broke my heart into a million pieces, I felt like I had been stabbed. I was thankful they showed it, acknowledging pregnancy and infant loss, even if for a brief moment, is better then nothing. I wasn't expecting it to be a baby though....and it just made me turn into a huge ball of an emotional mess. I connected so much to that scene, I know how it is to visit a child at the cemetery, the last 18 months of my life are buried in a cemetery. It took me a long time after watching that to settle back down.
Church today brought on the tears as well. Stephen did not warm me that on all Saint's Day the church remembers those who have passed, especially from the congregation....needless to say they said Jacob's name and I lost it. They had been saying it the first few weeks after Jacob passed away but by the time we went back they had stopped and I was surely not expecting it today. I do pretty well when I know a head of time it will be said so I can prepare but when it's out of the blue....it's like being stabbed in the heart. They talked a lot about death and about those before us so I was already teary eyed and when they came to listing the names I just let the tears and snot flow freely. Most everyone there now knows about Ty and Jacob so it won't be a surprise to them if they see me in tears. I went to visit the boys by myself after church. Stephen is getting involved in the youth group and in time I will too but my heart is too broken right now to do anything but function on a daily basis. He went out with some of the kids for ice cream and I went to say Hi to the boys before I came home and went for my run to peace hill. I cried a lot at the cemetery and a bit well running but as soon as I got to peace hill I seemed to feel so much more at peace (hence the name) and this afternoon I am feeling okay, sad but okay for the moment until something sets me off into meltdown #4. I know tomorrow will be an extremely hard day for me, some may know why but I'm not going to mention it right now. I need to deal with my feelings first and sort those out so I don't say anything to offend or hurt someone. I just pray God gives me strength either way.
This whole experience has really tugged at my heart to be a leader in the angel baby community. I know in my mind and with God's strength and guidance I will make sure perinatal comfortcare programs get into LHSC. I will not give up my fight until the hospital agrees. They are going to be so sick of me and everyone I will recruit until they do something about the lack of care for angel families. Maybe if I am lucky enough I can even make it into a new career somehow. A few of the women I talk to always say I have such inspiring things to say and that they find me so strong and level headed (if they only knew what was going on in the depths of my soul they would see neither of those statements are 100% true) But I guess when I do talk to other angel moms, especially first time ones, because I have been there I sometimes know what to say. This is starting to shape the new me and speaking of the new me, I mentioned something to a fellow angel mom earlier about finding the new "me" when you have lost a child. I said "the thing I learned after loosing Ty and even more so after loosing Jacob, I will never return to the "me" from before. Experiencing the loss of a child is a life changing event, it is a person changing event, you learn to live with and define the new you and it takes a lot of time but it is worth the amazingness of the new you that will take shape". I sometimes do say encouraging things but I really wish I could see that in my own life and maybe I am starting to see a small glimpse into the new me. Its been almost 13 months since we lost Ty and 2 1/2 since we lost Jacob....I know there is no time frame on grief or healing but I think I am slowly starting to define a new sense of me. I know it really will take a lot of time and hard effort on my part but the ideas I have for the new me.....big things are going to happen next year. I am determined to Heaven and back to get a perinatal comfortcare and loss program in our community and if I have to be the one running it, I'll count that as a blessing and praise God for the opportunity.