Since I know many are wondering but have the respect not to ask, though some have, I will address this question. Are we going to try again? At this point the answer is we don't know. Stephen and I have had lengthy discussions about how to expand our family. To go through two full term losses is hard enough to deal with, the thought of having to go through another one, I would not be able to handle it. The idea of burying a third child is unimaginable, though I said the same for Jacob and we made it through. You also can't blame me for thinking it would end up in a loss, we know nothing but loss. Like I said to my husband, if we were to try again it probably wouldn't be for a few years (2-3) by that time we would be 30, we would have buried two children and to go through another pregnancy, full term, to loose another child and still be childless, that is not an option for me. I do not think I would handle that very well so for the time being we're still discussing. Of course we want a family with many children though so that brought us to the topic of adoption. I have always know that even if I had my own children I would still adopt a child or two because the need is so great and I think our family is one of the best and could surely provide an excellent life for any child. My husband and I talked about the fact that after we had children of our own that we would adopt one or two more because it was important to both of us to help those in need. I am glad we were on the same page with that. At this time in our lives it only seems like the right decision. We technically have had children of our own and we should be adopting a baby at this point. Again the discussion continues....
If we decide to adopt we'd look into both private and CAS options for adoption and weigh the pros and cons of each. Because we are a young family we do want an infant or a baby, we have prepared twice for bringing a baby home and we want that experience. We are well aware that there are still risks with adoption but adoption seems to be a logical option right now. We may never give pregnancy another try or we may. With adoption comes pretty much the same risks as being pregnant again minus the physical toll it takes on your body. With adoption there is even added risks because the one difference is the birth mother changing her mind, we don't have that if we tried again. But, the possibility of loss is still there, she could have a miscarriage, she could have a stillbirth, the baby could have some chromosomal abnormality that would cause the baby not to be suitable for life outside the womb, it's all the same risk with the added risk of the mother changing her mind and again we would have went through 7-9 months thinking we'd bring home a baby and still not have that opportunity. Both options carry a risk, both options carry almost the same amount of risks so what risk is more worth it? That's the hard part.
The other thing is no matter what option we go with, they both have the same timelines for bringing home a baby. Our doctor told us to wait at least 18 months in between deliveries so that puts us at trying again around 9 months (if we are ready then and decide we want to try again that is). That would mean we could start trying in June 2012, putting us having the baby in February (as we would not go past 37 weeks) Now with adopting say we started in January of 2012, we have to take the 9 week courses and then complete the home study which usually takes about 6 months, that alone puts us at 8 months so we'd be certified to adopt come August. Now given I am not exactly sure when you become a part of someones adoption whether it be after 12 weeks or later, I'll use 12 weeks. So if in August we became a part of an adoption (which is very highly unlikely to find a birth parent that soon and we can't look until after we are certified) that puts us at the birth mother having the baby in February, the same time we would be having our baby. In this aspect it is very hard to know what option is better. With adoption does come a lot of costs but we know the baby is worth it and we are willing to provide those costs. No matter if we come home with a baby or not we still have to pay for the home study and the classes which is about $5000 total, regardless of if we get a baby or not because if the mother backs out and we're still within our 6 month certification we can try to find another birth mother so the costs would still be incurred. If it is over 6 months we would have to pay more to have our home study updated. Now given the birth mother backs or or heaven forbid, she experiences a loss herself, here we are in February having to wait at least another 7-9 months to bring a baby home. Had we gone ahead and had our own baby we'd be either, thankful for our new bundle of joy or burying a third child. Either way you experience a loss, either way you also risk getting one of life's greatest rewards, knowing which one is a better option is something we don't know right now. The only other difference is the toll it would take on my body. If we find out it's my body that cannot grow healthy babies then we may opt for one try at a surrogate in which case the physical toll on my body is not there but finding someone that selfless to carry our child and in Ontario you cannot charge for surrogates, it would have to be someone who is amazing. Given the risk of loss is still there and it will always be.
Speaking of surrogates, a lot of people have asked us if we would consider surrogate mothers and if you asked me before I would say no but we've talked about it and would only do it if they could prove it was something wrong with my body that could just not grow healthy babies, at that point we may consider it. There is a tremendous amount that goes into a surrogate too, I think even more so then adopting. Surrogates have to give up 9 months for a baby they know they will not keep and I'd like to think there are lots of unselfish women in the world who would be willing to do that but I don't blame them if there's not. It' a huge commitment.
But we have many other options right now. Well...not right now, in a while. Our goal right now is to focus on our careers and look into buying a house within a year. The main motivation....I am getting so sick and tired of having to go to the laundry mat. I'm sorry maybe it's a bit selfish and I know having a washer and dryer is a luxury but when you are so deep in your grieving having to go out and do one more thing is a challenge. I just want some sense of normalcy to life and yes having a washer and dryer feels normal to me. Plus, we really need more storage. We have so many baby things and no place to put them, it hurts to see them everyday, it's a sad reminder of what we came so close to having that was only torn away. I can only pray that once we have a house we have the laughter of small children to fill it....will it ever happen?
Given our hearts and minds and bodies are no where near being able to make a decision, it remains undecided. We will check in and talk more come January about how we are feeling and we may even take the adoption classes to explore that option. All I know is one way or another Stephen and I will be parents to children with feet and not more wings one day. It's just a matter of how and when we get there. Either way we decide to go we'll still have to wait. It's just a matter of which wait we prefer and which risk our hearts are ready to take.
Today was a very uneventful day, we did laundry and went hiking. Not much to say today, my heart is still completely broken and I think in a sense it may always be but other then that I really don't have anything to say today, I guess that's a good thing? Just going to work on Jacob's shadow box tonight, get that hung next to Ty's in the next day or so and continue redecorating the living room...surprisingly my husband has given some good decorating ideas for the living room, I did not know he had a slight eye for decor....it's a nice new finding. My brother on the other hand is AMAZING at decorating, when we move into a house I want to hire him and have him come do all of our furniture placement and decor. He knows how to make it so comfy and cozy and just feel so much like home. I wish I had his keen insight into the world of home decor. But other then that....I don't feel I have anything to rant about tonight, I guess that is a positive, maybe I could even dare to say, today has been an okay day.......