I am starting to notice a correlation between the weather and my mood and if that is the case, this is going to be one hell of a long depressing winter. But then maybe it's just "Tuesday". I've never been a fan of Tuesdays, I, unlike most, don't mind Mondays, it's Tuesdays that get me. They just seem like the longest day of the week and it seems forever for it to pass by. Given, the crappy weather does not help and probably does make it worse. My plan was to get up and go to the library to get a card (since I went yesterday but it was closed) walk to A&P (or Metro, whatever you want to call it) grab stuff for chicken tacos and head home...but it is POURING out side. I wouldn't mind going if it was a light rain but that it is not so I am stuck inside all day where I can wither away in my sadness. I feel it so deep in my heart today, I feel such sadness in my chest. It feels so empty and hurt and the tears feel like they will flow freely today.
I decided against the chicken tacos, I'll make those tomorrow when the weather is a bit more walkable and I'll go with the crock pot pulled BBQ chicken sandwiches and broccoli tonight. I am trying very hard to make sure I eat healthy since my exercise is down quite a bit right now until my heart settles out. I decided not to be so held up on loosing weight loss and decided I'll eat healthy, get exercise when I can (but nothing over exerting right now) drink lots, try a weight loss body wrap and give it time. I simply have no energy to push myself to loose the weight soon. I do want to be healthy and loose all the weight so my body is back to normal but there is no rush. I just have no motivation to do it. Even if we try for another baby it won't be for a while so not even that is pushing me. I seem to be loosing a pound a week and I have 21 more lbs I want to loose so we'll see where I am at in 21 weeks. Maybe with the large amount of snow expected this January, I will loose more from all the shoveling I will be doing.
I was introduced to an amazing website called Pinterest. For anyone out there who is a DIYer this site is for you! I love this site and have found so many wonderful, cheap, ideas to do, the only problem is I have to wait until we move because I simply do not have the space for them nor do I want to do stuff here when I know we will be moving next year. We have outgrown this place and are busting at the seems. It was perfect for Milo and I when it was just us, it is a cute little house but then Charlie came along, then Stephen, then Ty and finally Jacob and though the two boys are not physically here they are very much here in the way of baby things. Not only is it too small but I want a home. I know in a sense I have a "home" now but it doesn't feel like it. After all that has happened and knowing we cannot stay here as we intend on growing our family, it just seems like a temporary roof over our heads. One we are extremely thankful for and blessed to have but we need a bigger space. I want a place to truly make a home where we can have my parents stay with us when they come to visit, instead of a hotel. Where we can have family dinners (friends and church members included) where we can foster children who need good stable homes, where we can teach about love, hope, faith and life. A place where we can bring unwanted animals into (there is always room for more fur babies) We have so much to offer and so much to give we just need the space to do it in so I continue to pray God gives us the opportunity to move quite soon into the new year.
Today is really turning out to be like the weather, I seriously need a break. I am sick and tired of the bullshit I have been dealing with since APRIL in regards to Paypal and every time I call I get the same bullshit and just want to close my account and open another one. The problem is Paypal is one of the only universal payment places and if I want my online store to sell to people other then just in London, ON I need it but it has been hell to deal with them to get my account straightened out. It has made me furious, it has added to my stress and I am so sick and tired of it. Today I finally asked for a supervisor but they told me it wasn't possible. My ass it isn't possible. I ended up hanging up because I ran out of phone minutes (which we have NEVER gone over 200 minutes but this month with the shit from Paypal we are over) so when I call back tonight at 9pm there better be a damn supervisor there. I don't generally get so upset but this has been going on since APRIL and I just want it cleared up so I can get on with it. It is so frustrating. Everytime I call they tell me something else so I do it then I call back and they say shouldn't do that and ahghghguturugth...they need to smarten up over there. I already sent a complaint to the BBB because I can't deal with them. I am trying to solve the issue but I keep getting tossed back and forth and I just wanted it handled and taken care of and I'm trying but I'm not getting anything but bullshit from them. Bring on the frustration tears...
Add on top of that (if your a guy STOP reading, skip to next paragraph this one is only for the ladies) my cycle has still not returned and NO there is 100% absolutely no way I am pregnant trust me....its not possible this time. I know being stressed affects it but I can't help but me stressed (same reason I do not expect to loose much weight, I am too stressed) but it needs to start. I have never wanted it more then I do right now. I just want to know at least my body is returning to normal, can't I at least have that? I don't care how many migraines or cramps come with it, I need it, I want it...it has been 12 weeks and nothing, notta...zilch, zero...I feel like my body is trying but it's failing even at that. Just adds to my fear of infertility now.....
The sadness I felt this morning has turned into pure rage and anger at the frustrations of life. I seriously need a break and would LOVE for things to start getting back on track on the pathway of a set routine of life. I don't ask much but God, I really need the things I have been praying for to start happening. None of them are greedy prayers, I just really need a break so please, send some good news because I have had it and it is making healing so incredibly difficult. I can't heal when I keep having things pile up.....ughhhhhh
Oh and once I called the doctors it went back to sadness. I called to make an appointment because my cycle has not returned and I told her it had been 12 weeks..her response "are you nursing"...bring on the tears, my reply was no my baby died, at least she said I'm sorry. She knows about us but I guess they don't have caller ID so she didn't know it was me. Next time I'm going to start with my name. I also wasn't happy at the fact she said you sure you want it to come back? She would love to go without it but she does not know my aching heart. The longer I don't have it, the longer the wait to have another baby when we make the decision. The longer it is to have ONE normal thing back in routine...no one gets it, the longer it is to trust my body can do something right, the longer it is that I feel my body is a failure, the longer it is that I worry about infertility...no I want it back NOW! It is one thing, one small thing that gives me a sense of normalcy. At least what the new normal will be and the longer I go without it the more I worry. Today officially sucks...I wish it were 9 so I could go to bed and sleep it all away, actually I may go lay down and sleep, today is too much for me to handle.