I must say I am quite surprised at how well these drugs work making me feel nothing. Last year I found New Years Eve/Day to be the hardest. I was so upset and so incredibly sad but this year....I feel nothing. I don't like not having any feelings. I rather take the hurt and sadness over the emptiness. I'm sure some prefer not to feel anything but how is that helping? I don't feel it is helping me to have all my feelings and emotions pushed down. Once I go off the meds there just going to come right back up and it may not be an appropriate time to deal with them. I rather deal with them now and learn to live with them.
The other things about the meds, I think there making me sick. Ever since I started taking them I have had a very nauseous stomach. I am beyond exhausted, have had some insomnia, lost any memory I have, no concentration and no focus. I said I would give them a fair try but I feel I am better without them. I haven't been able to eat much and I have no energy to do anything. At least before I had some energy to do some things even if it wasn't a lot and I was able to eat and sleep. I don't know how much longer I can go feeling this sick. It's almost worse then my morning sickness with Ty (and I can guarantee you we are NOT pregnant) it's just from my meds.
The plus side is that it has lowered my cortisone levels enough for my weight loss to start happening. Last night I tried on some of my smaller pregnancy jeans and they fit! Given, they are still pregnancy jeans but they are the smaller ones. Working towards getting into regular pants now. I really think the stress was affecting my bodies ability to loss weight so that is one good thing about the meds. However, I still seem to be stuck at the same weight but I am loosing inches so I know somethings is working. I was hoping to have at least Jacob's weight all gone by the time we go for our 6 month post-op checkup. That gives me two months to get rid of 10 lbs.....and not a lot of motivation....we'll see how that goes. I usually weigh myself once a week to know if what I am doing is working but maybe I'll do every two. I don't like to see the numbers at a stand still and I know the inches count more because it means I am building muscle and loosing fat but still....I'd like to see my numbers go down too. I'll have to think of a new weekly plan to reach my goals.
Like I suspected I was in bed before 12. We went out for a short walk over to a park by our house, stood in the middle of the field for a little while listening to the silence and saying prayers to the boys (I realized I should have got balloons but it was too late by the time I wanted to get some) and then after we threw some snowballs for a few minutes, came home and I was out before 12. It really just seemed like another night and today seems like just another day. I am glad it is a New Year. Ours started off so well last year I can only pray it does again this year and stays that way! I'm tired of having good beginnings of New Years and horrible endings.
There was something a bit odd last night that happened. I was laying in bed reading before I went to sleep and I had this sudden urge and almost fear and panic to have both the boys with me. I got up and found Ty's hat and then searched for Jacob's, brought them into the kitchen and put them in nice new Ziploc bags. I smelt their hats and each still smelled like the boys. Ty's smelt like Ty and Jacob's smelt like Jacob. I love those smells but at the same time it made me sick to my stomach knowing I would never get to smell them again. So I put them in the bags and put them both under my pillow and I think last night I slept better than I have in a long time, just having both of them close to me in a sense. But the fear and panic I had came out of nowhere and it hit me all of the sudden and I was a bit surprised I actually felt anything, as mentioned before these meds seem to take away any feelings I have but last night it was one of the only feelings I felt. I am so thankful we have both the boys hats. They still smell like them and both have the boys blood on them. It is something that physically touched both Ty and Jacob. Something I can hold and feel connected too. Something I can look at and picture my boys (we have pictures of both the boys in their hats).
2012 is already starting off strange...let's get the strange over with and the good beginning!