There is application on facebook I signed up for a few months ago and it's called God Wants You To Know. It sends little daily messages about what they think God would want me to know on a certain day, I've posted some of the messages on here before. Well today I woke up on the wrong side of bed again, read my daily message and thought.....there are a few things I want God to know. I did not sleep last night, I could not settle down after my meltdown so I went and laid out on the couch. Ty bear in one arm, Jacob bear in the other arm, Milo at my feet, Charlie on my stomach and just cried. Today is not much better, the lack of sleep surely does not help but my emotions are all over the place and I don't know if I'm extra sensitive right now because of mother nature or because I am really depressed and just starting to realize I am not doing as well as I thought, which is a struggle for me. People keep telling me I am so strong and courageous but really, deep down I am a mess, I am lost, I have fallen apart and that smile on my face or that confidence in my voice is all an act. It's not how I really feel but I don't want to burden others with my pain. It's probably not good to internalize it but right now, other then going to the gym or to see the boys, its a struggle to get out of the house. I think I pushed myself too quickly in the beginning or maybe it's just now, almost two months later, that my body is allowing me to feel. What ever it is, it needs to be dealt with.
So back to God. I read somewhere the other day that it is okay to be mad at God, he gave you those emotions so using them is justified. I was glad to hear this because I am very angry with him. Here is the thing I want God to know. I am beyond pissed off that he took not one but two of my babies. I am broken hearted, I am frustrated, I have so many doubts, I no longer have any instinct to trust. I'm mad that he is making EVERYONE around us so damn happy, why can't he make us happy? Why can't we be the ones bringing home the baby from the hospital, the ones with sleepless nights and crazy days filled with the love of a new baby. I'm mad that he took both of our boys, I'm mad he tore my heart out twice, I'm mad he left me empty handed twice, I'm mad that I had to go through burying a child twice, I'm mad I had to plan funerals twice, I'm mad that I am so alienated, that it is so very rare for a mother to loose to children. I'm mad everyone else is successfully having their rainbows when we just buried ours. I'm mad that he half assed our miracle baby. I'm mad he gave us hope by letting Jacob's kidneys develop but forgetting to develop his lungs. I'm mad that he made Jacob struggle the two days he was with us. I'm just mad at life right now....
No working out today, I worked out hard yesterday and my body surely feels it today. I was going to go for a walk but it is raining out. There goes doing something everyday. I hope it doesn't break my goal. My goal is to be my healthiest in 6 months. It is one goal I have control over, one goal that makes me responsible for the outcome. But I just couldn't do it today, I needed a day off. I'll have to make sure to get good quality food today since I won't be burning off fat. Maybe I'll do one of my workout videos...that may be an option...though I can't shower and it's cold because union gas had to turn off the heat. He was changing a pipe and had a small gas leak and since our basement neighbour isn't there he couldn't get down to the basement to turn it off so he had to turn off something else? All I know is we still have power but there is no heat or hot water and it's cold.
I decided to skip the work out video and redecorate instead. Stephen changed the living room set up around so now the decor doesn't match. I went out and bought fabric to make curtains since I didn't see any I liked and the fabric I picked out I LOVED in the store...not so much on the wall but they look so nice. I'll have to decorate around them. Just have to hang some more pictures up, redo some pillow covers and maybe paint another square on the wall.....I did re-cushion the couch, it needed it. Much more comfy for the tushies now and easier to get off of. Time for a walk, can't go without ANY exercise, I at least need to walk. I have a lot of weight to loose so I can get healthy.