Can someone please tell me how it is already May 14th? Where did January, February, March and April go? Grief does a number on ones perspective about time. I was thinking about that today on my way to the store. It is such a beautiful day out, the sun is shinning and it's warm but cool. It's my favoruite kind of weather. I was walking along thinking how it can already be May 14th. I swear it was only yesterday that Jacob was here yet it's been 8 1/2 months. The last 8 1/2 months I have bee a zombie. I have not been alive. I mean in a physical sense I have been breathing and alive but mentally, emotionally and spiritually I have not been. The months have passed by with nothing of importance happening. I can't remember much and it's probably because nothing really happened the last 8 1/2 months. Jacob has been gone almost as long as we had him. Actually it would be, he was born at 36 1/2 weeks. That's almost 8 1/2 months.
Anyways, as I was walking I felt guilty for not living the last 8 1/2 months. I have been blessed with waking up everyday and continuing to be relatively okay but I did not take advantage of each day. I don't want the months and days to just pass by anymore, I want to live them. I want to live each day like it is my last (it was one of my excuses for getting a small bag of ketchup chips today)
While we were pregnant with Jacob I didn't want to go anywhere. We rarely left London. I think the only trip out of London we made was heading to the beach once or twice. Other than that we stayed put. We didn't even do much around London though we did try to get out and let him experience as much as he could in utero. I was hopeful that if I was careful, if we didn't do anything or go anywhere that he would be safer. It did not turn out as expected. All of my hermit crabness did nothing to keep him alive, the whole purpose of not doing anything was to make sure he was safe and okay and look where that got us. We still lost him! With Jacob we did everything around the pregnancy, all the plans we made and places we went were around being pregnant. I decided I do not want to live like that. It did us no good last time and got us no where better.
I mentioned to Stephen the other day that whenever we get pregnant we will not stop living. We will continue on like it's our last few days of life. Given, we won't go crazy and do anything that could harm the pregnancy, I just mean we won't sit at home for months. We will get out and hike, we will get out and camp (even if it has to be in a yurt) we will go for day trips all around Southern Ontario. We won't be too crazy though, I still have a huge attachment to being at home and going away for more than a night will probably not happen. But, there is a lot we can see and do in a two day trip. Even if we are pregnant, even if I feel like 10 bags of crap like I did with Ty. I refuse to let time pass by, I want to live. I'll save the letting time pass by for the last few weeks when I really will not be going anywhere!
I won't let the next pregnancy (if we're blessed to ever get there) affect how we live. We didn't with Ty and we lost him so we changed for Jacob but we still lost him as well so back we go to living and not just living to be pregnant but living to live. To live and see the beauty of the world, to appreciate beautiful days like today. To live and enjoy the smell of sunscreen, fresh mulch, fresh spring rain, freshly baked bread and laundry (3 of which I smelled on my walk today)
It may already be May 14th but from now on my goal is to try and live. We have a lot of plans for this summer and fall, a lot of places to visit and I will not let a pregnancy re-schedule any of those (of course if I need to go on bed rest again I will, but if not, we will be living)