Sleep is non exsistent tonight, I have way too much on my mind. I think the reality of being here is starting to get to me. All this time to myself, a self I don't even know anymore. I laid here tonight crying (first time since I have been here) thinking about who I am? I don't have an answer. I know who I was 1 1/2 years ago but over that last 1 1/2 years I have lost myself. I don't think I have become anything. I mean I have become a grieving mother and my heart remains broken and empty from loosing Ty. I've become a wife but our relationship sucks. I don't know how it couldn't. Ever since we lost our son it has gone down hill....well maybe not down hill, more like flat lands. There is no more spark, we are deeply grieving and trying to get by with everything going on. Loossing a child then facing the posibility of loosing another leaves no time for husband and wife moments, no time for romance, no time for enjoying eachothers love, no time to work or build on the relationship. We are so consumed in grief and confusion and exhaustion that we just live. We never went on a honeymoon and we've never really taken a vacation together, just us, to rekindle what we thought we had. We never worked on our problems we had before loosing Ty and now there on the backburner, piling up with every other emotion. There seems to be no more respect, no encouragement, no romance....what grief does to a relationship is sucks the living daylight out of it. I don't even know how to recover or where to even start. When you are in so deep how do you begin to dig yourself out. I know a lot of people think my husband and I have the perfect relationship but truth be told, we don't, were just like everyone else and more then anything right now we are struggling. I don't even think we realize it. Our minds are so consumed with Ty and Jacob that we have no energy left for us. I know he tries to be funny and lighten the mood but a girl can only take so much before it becomes personal. When I am already emotionally, physically and mentally exausted I cannot stand much before I feel hurt and pain. But I just put on my fake smile and deal with it. I simply do not have the energy to face what needs to be faced. I don't know why I feel I need to put on a fake face for everyone. People think I am so strong but in reality, I have crumbled inside, I am so weak and scared and feel my life is out of control. I don't even know where I fit in it anymore. I don't know where my husband and I fit anymore. We need some us time, yes we have been together the last 3 months but we've been at home, we haven't been "us" we are in desperate need of a vacation to re-introduce ourselves to eachother.
Neither of us are the same people as when we met. I think both of us are struggling with the identity of who we are. I sure know I am. I just laid in my hospital bed tonight and thought about everything. I prayed that God protect all the blessings in my life and all the important people in my life because that is all I know. They know who I am, or who I was and their the only ones that get me which is so important because I don't even get me anymore. The last few days have been so blah. I'm just trying to survive and do everything I can to assure my son makes it here safely. I didn't fight for Ty, not that I knew I had to but I have so much regret with what happened, it consumes me and exhausts me. Ever since I lost him I feel I lost myself. I'm not who I use to be and I sure as hell haven't figured out who I am now. I'm stuck in limbo. I was so happy and excited to go home today to see my boys but while I was there I just didn't feel it. I felt like a visitor in my own home, it didn't feel like home to me, I don't ever know where home is anymore. It just seemed so surreal. All I do know is I am blessed to have wonderful support, I love Ty so much and miss him dearly, I am doing everything I possibly can to make sure Jacob arrives safely (I wish sometimes guys could be pregnant because they do NOT understand how hard it is, not only physically but emotionally and mentally) I miss Milo and Charlie, I miss my routine scheduled life with small adventures here and there, I miss my old self, sure there were things I could improve on but its a lot better then now, how do you start from nothing? How do you piece together who you are when at 27 years old you completley lost who you were? Where do you begin after 27 years? All I know is a grieving mother is in there somewhere. I need to work on getting me back. I want to enjoy the thing I use to but I am so damn tired it's hard. I wish I would get excited about camping and playing hockey again, baking, sewing, scrapbooking but I do not have an ounce of energy to do it.
My focus right now is getting Jacob here, then getting back into shape so I can hopefully gain back some self confidence because right now it is non exsistent. It's hard to constantly be made fun of and not let it affect you. It's hard to trust when trust has not been properly established. It's hard to enjoy things you enjoy when you don't know what they are (though I am VERY excited for fall, I LOVE fall and cannot wait to go apple picking and bake so many yummy things, go hiking in the cool sunny air....that is the only part of the old me that is still around, I just pray I can share it with Jacob this year)
The only good part of today was Jacob passing his NST in 10 minutes, no hiccups either! He did it all by himself with a very good heart beat. He also has been moving around a lot today and I am head over heels in love with him. Like Ty, he will be a mamas boy. The great thing about kids is their unconditional love and non-judgement (until they are teens and you are showing them your dance moves, they may be slightly judgemental then) My mom is also coming up to visit this week, which is very much needed! I am going to try to get an LOA for a few hours on Wednesday to get "home" and just get out of here. Praying I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow, the sunny oppomistic side....hopefully I can start to find myself soon, I sure do miss it. Grieving sucks, plain and simple. It messes up so many good things but I guess we have to keep our heads up and plow through. I will not let it get the best of me.
On a side note, it really smells like a skunk in here.....that's it for today, I need to try to sleep for Jacob (by the by 2 1/2 more weeks until his arrival.....so many emotions come with that) Ahhhh...