I recently found out someone I know is pregnant, no surprise there it seems everyone I know is pregnant but I know for a fact this person smoke, drinks and does drugs and has no intention of stopping while she is pregnant. She will be a single mother, doesn't work and is making it sound like it's more of a pet then a child. I have a feeling even though she is doing everything she isn't supposed to her baby will be just fine because life is unfair like that. Stephen and I did everything with both Ty and Jacob in mind. I made sure I was as healthy as could be, exercised, stayed away from second hand smoke, followed everything the pregnancy books said and still, my two boys are buried. I will never understand why life works like it does. I have learned through all of this that life is extremely unfair and it seems good people always have the bad luck. Bad things do always happen to good people. It makes me angry to know she is taking this all for granted, she does not realize the preciousness to having a child. This child is going to have a horrible life, I know it won't change her mother and I know her mother will continue to drink, smoke and do drugs regardless of having a child, how is that fair to her child to give her the kind of life no one wants? Why bring a child into that kind of atmosphere when all the mother really wants is something fun and little to dress up and play with. I know she has no idea what having a baby involves and like all babies who live, they grow up and then what? Is she going to love it less? I'm assuming she may be able to keep the baby, I don't know if CAS would get involved but if she continues to drink and the baby has FAS I would think CAS would not let this mother keep her child. Not only that, a child cannot grow up with a mother who is a drug addict who does drugs right in front of her child and takes no responsibilities to make sure the child can not get the drugs by accident. I've given up on trying to understand why because that is a question I will never get answered. I will never understand why Stephen and I cannot bring a child into our loving home, a home where a child would exceed because we would make sure our child was given every opportunity to experience life and love. The only reason I can think of is because we truly are only supposed to adopt kids, maybe God knows how amazing we would be as parents and he wants us to adopt those children who need good homes. Either way, we had always planned on adopting even if we own children so I don't know why Ty and Jacob are gone. There is no explanation and it just makes me more angry. I can only pray that the child makes it through and is put into a loving home.
Speaking of Ty and Jacob (which should be no surprise, I do it everyday) we met with the lady who is doing their headstones today to go over designs. I designed both the boys headstones myself and from the sketches she had, there going to look really nice. I find it quite sad that I am excited to see how their headstones look once there up but what choice do I have? There's not much to look forward to these days. Stephen and I really appreciate her giving us a discount for having the two and even more so, we are eternally grateful to everyone at my work who came together to fund-raise and pay for the boys headstones. I didn't expect all the costs to be covered but they are. I knew before that I worked with an amazing group of people but they really stepped up for us, they, in addition to many family and friends who also helped. I know no amount of thank you's to everyone who has helped us through will ever be enough but to each and everyone of you out there who have helped Stephen and I in one way or another, we are extremely grateful. We have been through hell the last year but to know we are supported, cared and loved has made things easier for us. To know people have stepped up to help us get through, at whatever costs to them, has made us realize we are truly blessed with many wonderful people in our life. It's those kinds of things that dull my aching heart a bit. We always try to look for the positives in negative situations but I'll admit, this time it is really tough but how can I not see that there are still amazing people in this world? That is one big positive this time around, seeing the good in everyone. Especially from some people you wouldn't normally expect.
I realized the other day that this weekend is Thanksgiving. I can't believe it's already Thanksgiving again, where has the last year went? There are so many emotions right now, we are approaching Ty's one year angelversary and we just passed Jacob's one month. I really can't believe it has been almost a year since we met Ty, since we held him, since we said Hi and Goodbye at the same time. There are so many things I wish we had done differently had we known, things we got to do with Jacob that I regret not doing with Ty. At least there are still somethings I can do to make up for some of those regrets but there are a lot that have been left untouched and will stay that way. One year ago I made Ty's last delicious meal, we went all out on Thanksgiving for Stephen and I. We cooked Turkey, stuffing, turnip, mashed potatoes (everything from scratch) homemade gravy and a pumpkin cheesecake. I'm happy we decided to do this because at least then Ty had some really good food before he passed but I cannot believe it has been a year. At times it seemed like time was passing slowly but when you look back it went by quite quickly. Given, we were busy focusing on Jacob. Last Thanksgiving I was looking forward to this Thanksgiving because Ty would actually be able to eat some of the Thanksgiving meal. But he doesn't get that chance, he never will and neither will Jacob. Thanksgiving is suppose to be a time when you give thanks for things in your life but it is incredibly difficult at a time like this. I know Stephen and I do have a lot to be thankful for but when we are in between the angelversaries of our two boys, it's hard to see the brighter side of life. I think September 7th-October 15th will always be a tremendously hard time of year. I don't think Thanksgiving will ever have the same meaning for us. I do know we will cook another Thanksgiving meal as it is my favourite meal of the year. Stephen and I both cook in the kitchen all day and then sit down to enjoy our meal together, just the two of us with two empty chairs at the table that should be filled. Just like most holidays, it just doesn't seem right that we celebrate with family or friends, it is too painful for us and we don't want to ruin anyone's holidays by being sad. The only debate this year is what to make for dessert because I decided Ty's birthday cake would be the pumpkin cheesecake so I have to make another dessert for Thanksgiving. Perhaps apple caramel cheesecake with fresh apples from the orchard.
I'm getting really anxious about the upcoming doctors appointments in the next few weeks. We should have all the answers by the end of this month in regards to Jacob's passing. I'm really nervous about what they may say. In one sense I want to know something was wrong but in another sense, I don't. What we are told Friday may very well seal the deal on not having kids again. We may not have a choice....please keep us in your prayers. Stephen and I are going through a lot and really need prayers for strength.